Welcome back to another edition of RAW vs Nitro! Click here to read last week's edition or click here to catch up on all the previous ones. So with that out the way, this is RAW vs Nitro #59.
RAW
Flash Funk vs The Goon
RAW kicks off with the RAW debut of Flash Funk, better known as 2 Cold Scorpio. Well, to be fair, it actually starts off with Vince McMahon trying to sound hip on commentary while awkwardly asking Jerry Lawler to twerk for him. "Come on King, shake that thang!" and "Come on King, shake the booty" are among his lines. Shake the booty. Funk's entrance lasts over two minutes, only ending when the Goon jumps Funk before the bell. The match really isn't anything worth talking about. Funk has some cool spots including a moonsault to the outside and sunset flip reversal in the corner, but the Goon gets in more offense than he probably should. It's not a great look that one of the new exciting wrestlers is struggling against one of the wackiest guys on the roster. Funk wins a short match with another impressive move, a moonsault leg drop. Also during this match, Jerry Lawler makes fun of Tiny Tim for dying, and he does this throughout the night. Yikes.
"Diesel" vs Phineas Godwinn with Hillbilly Jim
As usual, Jim Ross pops up on commentary to talk up his imposter Diesel and run down Vince McMahon. Diesel dominates pretty much the entire the match until Godwinn makes his comeback. That brings out the fake Razor Ramon, who distracts Godwinn when he goes for the Slop Drop. That distraction allows fake Diesel to barely get Godwinn up for the Swallow Dive (imposter Jackknife) for the three and the win in a completely nothing match.
Shawn Michaels is in the WWF Studio for an interview. He apologizes for not being defensive enough and says his problem with Sycho Sid is him attack Jose Lothario at Survivor Series. He says he'll come through at the Royal Rumble.
"Double J" Jesse James vs Justin "Hawk" Bradshaw with Uncle Zebekiah
Oh come on, how do you misspell James? The match is a pretty standard TV quality match-up, with Bradshaw dominating the majority of the match until Double J makes his comeback. The finish, however, comes when Zebekiah trips up James, allowing Bradshaw to hit the Clothesline from Hell for the three and the win. After the match, Bradshaw & Zebekiah "brand" James with "JB" on his arm. And by "brand" I mean they stamped him with some ink.
James can't even be bothered to sell it.
It's another Karate Fighters tournament match up. Since Mr. Perfect has dipped from the WWF by this point, they replace him with Todd Pettengill. And since Sycho Sid is...not in this for some reason, they've replaced him with Jerry Lawler. Also, instead of going to that weird shrine room for this they just have the match-up at their commentary table. Lawler wins, putting him in the finals against Sable. Side note, I think my favorite thing about the new WWE Network layout is that someone felt it was necessary to timestamp the Karate Fighters segments.
We get a clip from the WWF's tour overseas (which explains where literally every star on the roster is) showing Sycho Sid vs Stone Cold Steve Austin for the WWF Championship. Austin hit Sid with the belt, inadvertently knocking him into the referee. The British Bulldog ran down to fight off Austin, only to almost take a powerbomb from Sid. Bret Hart ran down to make the save, only to get kneed in the back by Austin. Sid takes the opportunity to chokeslam Hart. After that, we get a promo from everyone involved. Austin's up first, saying he was going to be the WWF Champion until everyone got involved in his business. Quick cut to Bulldog and Owen Hart, with Bulldog saying he didn't run in to help Sid, it was to attack Austin, but Hart stops him and tells him to focus on their Tag Team Championship match against Fake Razor Ramon & Diesel. How the f*ck did those two get a title shot? Following that, Hart says that he returned the favor to Bulldog and says that In Your House: It's Time, he'll be the WWF Champion again. Sid's rounds out this promo compilation, saying he doesn't know why everyone is getting involved in his business and ends by saying that being the WWF Champion makes him the man, the master, and the ruler of the world. You know it's a bad sign when the most interesting part of your show is something that didn't happen on your show.
Marc Mero & Jake Roberts with Sable vs Billy Gunn & Hunter Hearst Helmsley
The fact that this is the main event should be a clear sign that every other star is in another country. Early in the match, we get a picture-in-picture promo where "Double J" Jesse James challenges Justin "Hawk" Bradshaw and Uncle Zebekiah to a handicap match all while repeating what he says. "Next week, right here, on Monday Night RAW, I'm labeling both of you wanted men. Right here, next week, on Monday Night RAW." The match is a pretty standard tag match that goes on for over 15 minutes when it really doesn't need to. During the match, Helmsley bumps into Gunn off a Mero dropkick, which prompts an argument that leads to Gunn abandoning the match. That allows Mero & Roberts to double team Helmsley until Mero hits a Samoan Drop followed by the Wild Thing for the win. It's a dull match with nothing exciting until the very end and goes on a lot longer than has any right to.
That's it for RAW. Time for Nitro...
Nitro
Nitro kicks off with the Steiner Brothers interrupting the commentary team. Scott Steiner says he doesn't have many friends, but Sting is one of them. He says that after last week's attack on Rick, he's not going to let it happen again. Rick takes the mic and says things aren't over between him and Sting and tonight, he's going to make sure it is.
Glacier vs Hardbody Harrison
Eight weeks without Glacier is too many. Here, he takes on Hardbody Harrison, a man who would go on to be sentenced to life in prison for sex trafficking and keeping women that he was supposedly training to wrestle as sex slaves. Also, he's such a jobber that Tony Schiavone continuously gets his name wrong, calling him "Hardbody Harris." Harrison attacks Glacier as he bows to the referee, only to quickly eat an ugly back elbow. Glacier wins easily with a spin kick.
The Renegade & Joe Gomez vs The Amazing French Canadians with Col. Rob Parker
How the f*ck is the Renegade still here? Seriously, he already got buried on TV by Jimmy Hart of all people, and that was over a year ago, so why is he still around? Actually, to be fair, the Renegade has the one bright spot of this match when he tries to run in and the referee stops him, only for him to pick him up and place him out of his way.
But alas, the French Canadians still pick up the win following a piledriver and an assisted senton bomb.
Mean Gene Okerlund interviews Arn Anderson. Anderson says that Hulk Hogan is beatable, as he's done it twice in a row, before saying that Ric Flair once told him that Roddy Piper was the toughest fight he's ever been in. He says he doesn't see fear in Piper's eyes and says that after World War 3, anything that happens to Hogan at Starrcade is well-deserved. Anderson says that next week in Charlotte, North Carolina, the Four Horsemen will watch Piper's back and warns the nWo that Charlotte won't be a friendly place for them. This is a really good promo, just like you'd expect from Anderson
The Faces of Fear vs Robert Gibson & Scotty Riggs
Fresh off his tag team partner turning on him, Scotty Riggs is now...teaming with one half of the Rock 'n' Roll Express? Ummm...OK. At one point, Gibson kicks Meng so gently that he can't even be bothered to sell it. In the first match of the night isn't a complete squash, these two teams end up having a fairly standard tag without any real notable moments. The match ends with Gibson trying to fight off both members of the Faces of Fear, only for the Barbarian to catch him with a big boot for the three and the win. A big boot ended a match in 1996. Lame. After the match, sore loser Scotty Riggs gives both Meng and the Barbarian chair shots to the head.
We get a clip from a show before World War 3 in Baltimore where Chris Benoit and Kevin Sullivan had a match. They fought all around the arena and even into the bathroom, where the rest of the Dungeon of Doom jumped Benoit. After bringing Benoit back to the ring, Woman stopped them and jumped on Sullivan. The Faces of Fear held her back as the rest of the Dungeon of Doom continued to beat down on Benoit.
Kevin Sullivan vs KC Sunshine
Sullivan wastes no time attacking Sunshine, beating him down in the ring and around ringside. At one point, Sullivan just chucks a full water bottle at Sunshine's head. Sullivan wins another squash match after hitting a standing double stomp. After the match, Mean Gene steps in the ring to interview Sullivan. He says he hurt Benoit physically in Baltimore, but Benoit hurt him mentally. He says he sees a lot of himself in Benoit and says he doesn't care if digs his own grave as long as he takes Benoit down with him.
Billy Kidman vs Dean Malenko
Billy Kidman legitimately looks like he's 16 years old.
That is all. Five matches in and there's finally an exciting match. It's a lot of quick back and forth action, with Malenko getting the better of Kidman for the most part. Midway through the match, Sonny Onoo comes down to ringside with a camera, taking pictures of Malenko throughout the match. Towards the end of the match, Malenko heads to the top rope, only for Onoo to take a picture of him and blind him with the flash. However, it's not enough to cost Malenko the match, as he blocks Kidman's attempt at the shooting star press with his knees and locks in the Texas Cloverleaf for the submission win.
Big Bubba with Jimmy Hart vs Jeff Jarrett
Like they did about a month ago, these two end up having a relatively fun match. However, just like they did a month ago, the finish is exactly the same. Jimmy Hart tosses Bubba the megaphone, only for it to backfire when Jarrett dropkicks it into Bubba's face and gets three for the win. It's a fine match, but repeating the exact finish from their first match is disappointing.
The Steiner Brothers are back to call out Sting again. Sting appears in the rafters again, prompting Rick Steiner to challenge him to a fight. Sting accepts and walks away.
Outcomes the nWo. Eric Bischoff leads the way as he, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Syxx, and Vincent chase off the commentators. Hall & Nash immediately say that Sting has joined the nWo and that he's going to "punk" Rick Steiner tonight before Bischoff says that he was just trying to protect Roddy Piper from Hogan. He runs down the various legends Hogan has taken out including "that tub of guts" Vader, Ric Flair, and Randy Savage before telling Piper to stay home and not show up at Starrcade.
Squire Dave Taylor vs Eddie Guerrero
Taylor tries to rush Guerrero before the bell, but Guerrero is able to turn it around and takes the fight right to Taylor. It's another quick match, but thankfully it's a fun, fast-paced encounter between two talented members of the roster. Guerrero picks up the quick win with a frog splash. Unfortunately, the match is plagued by the new commentary team, who spend a good 90% of the match talking about literally anything else. Taylor will hit a couple of headscissor takedowns and they'll be like "You know, Hulk Hogan can eat tons of sushi."
In what has to be the only 1-800 Collect call from Lee Marshall that has any importance whatsoever on the show. Marshall runs down the nWo while the nWo throws some shots back at him, Charlotte, and the Four Horsemen.
Arn Anderson vs Jim Powers with Teddy Long
"The robust" Teddy Long, as Kevin Nash calls him. Arn Anderson has no time for Powers, immediately throwing him out of the ring and rubbing his face into the mats outside the ring. Anderson dominates the entire match until Powers makes his comeback. That comeback is cut off, however, and Anderson quickly ends the match with a DDT for the three and the win. Fine match, nice to see Anderson pretty much squash someone.
Chris Benoit vs Lord Steven Regal-United States Championship Tournament 1st Round Match-Up
The nWo's made an offer to WCW concerning this tournament since they have possession of the United States Championship. They'll give the title back, so long as they defend it against the Giant. Early in the match, Regal and Benoit trade headbutts, which ends up busting Regal open the hard way. Unfortunately, that prompts the production truck to try to hide it by going to an ultra-wide shot.
And it stays like that for the rest of the match. It's a really good match, but the fact that you can barely see anything that's happening really takes away from it. Benoit ends up winning and moving on after hitting the dragon suplex for the three. After the match, Mean Gene interviews the remaining Four Horsemen. Arn Anderson says that Lex Luger isn't a quitter or a coward and says that they'll be the leaders that WCW needs. He then asks Benoit where Woman is, but Benoit just says she's taking care of "horsemen business." Anderson says if she was doing that, she'd be here, but Benoit says she's part of the group. Steve McMichael says that his old group, the Chicago Bears, could have been a dynasty if guys on the team hadn't gotten egos and caused dissension. Debra takes the opportunity to rundown Woman for gushing over Benoit and tells Benoit to straighten everything out or it'll tear apart the Horsemen. Anderson interjects and says he takes Benoit's word and shakes his hand before saying that everyone would rather be a member of the Horsemen.
Rocco Rock with Johnny Grunge vs Lex Luger
Public Enemy must've turned heel or something because they are very blatantly cheating in this match, with Johnny Grunge getting some shots in when the referee isn't looking. This is another pretty standard TV match, with Rock getting the heat for the majority of the match until Luger can make his comeback. At one point, Luger gorilla presses Rock, which is pretty impressive. However, more cheating from Grunge allows Rock to take control again. The finish comes when Grunge holds Luger in place for a charging Rock, but Luger dodges it, sending Rock into Grunge, and locks in the Torture Rack for the submission win. Grunge tries to run in and attack Luger, only for Luger to toss Rock right into him and chase both men off.
Rick Steiner with Scott Steiner vs Sting
Sting enters through the crowd before tossing his baseball bat away. Sting turns his back to Steiner, allowing him to hit him from behind and knock him out of the ring. Scott throws Sting back in and Rick punches away at Sting. However, a missed body block sends him into the ropes and allows Sting to quickly hit the Scorpion Death Drop. Sting grabs his bat as Scott gets in the ring to shield his brother. Sting does the same thing he did to Luger a few weeks ago before handing Rick the bat and turning his back again. Rick goes to hit him, but Scott intervenes and stops him, letting Sting walk away. Scott drops the bat and Sting picks it up and heads up the entranceway. The nWo excitingly tell him to come over and sign the contract to join the nWo, only for Sting to point the bat at them and walk back up through the crowd to close the show
And that's about it. That was probably the worst episode of RAW I've seen since I started this series. There is nothing worth watching on that show. It's all guys who are midcard matches at best with not a single star in sight. Nitro was just full of short matches, but at least some of them were fun and interesting. This is an easy point for Nitro.
RAW: 23
Nitro: 36
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