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Worst in the World: Rebel vs Shelly Martinez-One Night Only: Knockouts Knockdown

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I did say I was coming back to this.
Long time readers of the Wrestling Section will hopefully remember the Worst in the World, my first really series where I went through 99 of the worst matches in wrestling history and ranked them one by one. I wrapped up that series in October but always had the intention of coming back to it, since there are always going to be terrible matches in the future. And with the Wrestling Observer releasing their yearly awards, I thought it was the perfect time to look at the match that won the worst match of 2016. So here it is; Rebel vs Shelly Martinez from Knockouts Knockdown.
So let me explain what Knockouts Knockdown is first. It was one of TNA's dumb One Night Only shows that they tape before they air and nothing important happens on them. Sometimes they give someone a meaningless prize, but that's not really anything. This show has 8 TNA Knockouts facing off against 8 other female wrestlers for spots in a battle royal, where the winner earns the title of "Queen of the Knockouts." One of those qualifying matches saw TNA Knockout and former circus lady turned...
Dominatrix Nazi, I guess...Rebel, facing off against former vampire lady Shelly Martinez, aka Ariel from the WWECW. It was named the worst match of the year, so it must be bad. Let's get into this.
So no joke, the first minute or so of this match is just Rebel mocking Shelly's face paint before both women call eachother ugly. Off to a solid start. The two lock up before Shelly forces Rebel into the corner, who complains that she wasn't ready and hadn't taken her jacket off. Well geez, maybe do that instead of yelling about how ugly your opponent is. 
Rebel takes off her jacket and throws it at Rebel, only for Shelly to be unfazed and hit an arm drag. Shelly locks in an armbar, but Rebel gets to the ropes. Shelly continues to control the match before Rebel uses the ref as a human shield. This allows Rebel to poke Shelly in the eyes and lock in an abdominal stretch.
The two fall to the ground, where Rebel works over Shelly with...
Something. Josh Matthews has no idea what to call it either. This devastating...something...prompts Shelly to begin screaming "MY VAG!" ton convey pain. I'm not joking.
I don't even know what to say about that. Shelly also confirms that she was screaming about her vaginal pain by yelling "I SAID MY VAG HURTS!" Thank you for clarifying. Shelly is able to avoid a handspring back elbow and runs wild. And by "runs wild" I mean she stands in place as Rebel runs to her. Shelly goes for a crossbody...possibly, but Rebel catches her, only to fall over.
Shelly follows up with a DDT, which prompts Rebel to leave the ring.
And then...it happens. If there's one moment that is even remotely memorable about this match...it's this spot. Ladies & gentlemen...the worst suicide dive in wrestling history.
Wow...let's just break this down real quick.
So first, she bounces up and down to call for the suicide dive. Then, she runs over to the ropes incredibly slowly. And finally, Shelly Martinez manages to completely halt all of her momenta (which apparently is actually a word), stop at the ropes, and ties herself up in the ropes. Now, what I think was supposed to happen was Rebel was supposed to hit Shelly or something like that, but she didn't Shelly, knowing that she's supposed to get tied up in the ropes, does that and looks like a total twit. That has to be one of the worst botches I've ever seen. Even Dean Ambrose would look at that suicide dive and say "Man, that was awful." So after that clusterf*ck, Rebel ends the match by rolling Shelly into the ring and pinning her, almost pinning herself with a face full of Shelly's ass in the process.

The Verdict

The beginning of this match was fine, nothing horrifically bad...but the second half...my God. Everything from "MY VAG!" to the awful suicide dive botch was so unbearably bad. This is bad even for TNA...and that's saying a lot. If the second half was the only part of this match, then it would be the worst, easily. But since the first half was fine, it gets some leeway. This is still awful, though.

Rankings (Best to Worst)

  1. Rick Rude vs Jake Roberts-WrestleMania IV
  2. Too Much vs Al Snow & Head-King of the Ring 1998
  3. Vampiro vs Sting-Great American Bash 2000
  4. T&A vs Head Cheese-WrestleMania 2000
  5. Triple H vs Sgt. Slaughter-D-Generation X: In Your House
  6. Konnan vs One Man Gang-SuperBrawl VI
  7. Ultimate Warrior vs Hercules-WrestleMania IV
  8. Rick Rude vs Hawk-Clash of the Champions XXV
  9. Shelton Benjamin vs Viscera-New Year's Revolution 2006
  10. Steve McMichael vs Reggie White-Slamboree 1997
  11. The Tag Team Fatal 4-Way Match-WrestleMania 13
  12. Tag Team Battle Royal-WrestleMania XIV
  13. The Chamber of Horrors-Halloween Havoc 1991
  14. The Natural Disasters vs Money Inc.-WrestleMania VIII
  15. Ivan Koloff vs Paul Jones-Clash of the Champions IV
  16. ODB, Taylor Wilde, and Roxxi vs The Kongtourage-Genesis 2009
  17. Ivory vs Tori-SummerSlam 1999
  18. Nikita Koloff vs Bobby Eaton-Bunkhouse Stampede
  19. Alex Wright vs Steve McMichael-Halloween Havoc 1997
  20. Savio Vega vs Crush vs Faarooq-Ground Zero: In Your House
  21. Total Divas vs Other Divas-Survivor Series 2013
  22. The Oddities vs Kaientai-SummerSlam 1998
  23. Hulk Hogan vs Sid Justice-WrestleMania VIII
  24. Paul Ellering vs Teddy Long-Capital Combat
  25. Dusty Rhodes vs Big Boss Man-Saturday Night's Main Event (10/31/1989)
  26. Tyson Tomko vs Stevie Richards-Unforgiven 2004
  27. Hollywood Hogan vs The Giant-Hog Wild
  28. Hollywood Hogan vs The Giant-Souled Out 1997
  29. Dustin Rhodes & King Kong vs Awesome Kong & The Equalizer-Battlebowl
  30. Finlay & Little Bastard vs The Boogeyman & Little Boogeyman-No Way Out 2007
  31. Jake Roberts vs Andre the Giant-WrestleMania V
  32. Yokozuna vs King Mabel-In Your House 4
  33. Dusty Rhodes vs The Honky Tonk Man-SummerSlam 1989
  34. Sting & Hawk vs Meng & Kurasawa-Clash of the Champions XXXI
  35. Hulk Hogan vs Randy Savage-Uncensored 1998
  36. Al Snow vs Big Boss Man-Unforgiven 1999
  37. Mickie James vs Ashley-Royal Rumble 2006
  38. Christy Hemme vs Big Fat Oily Guy-Against All Odds 2007
  39. Stevie Ray vs Konnan-World War 3 1998
  40. Vampiro vs The KISS Demon-Bash at the Beach 2000
  41. Team WCW vs nWo Wolfpac vs nWo Hollywood-Fall Brawl 1998
  42. Vampiro vs Oklahoma-Starrcade 1999
  43. Hulk Hogan vs Andre the Giant-WrestleMania III
  44. Van Hammer vs Terrance Taylor-Clash of the Champions XVI
  45. Junkyard Dog vs Moondog Spot-Wrestling Classic
  46. Hiroshi Wajima vs Tom Magee-All Japan Pro Wrestling 1988
  47. Jim Duggan vs Big Boss Man-Royal Rumble 1990
  48. Meng vs Jim Duggan-Uncensored 1995
  49. Jim Steele vs The Equalizer-SuperBrawl IV
  50. Wendi Richter vs Leilani Kai-WrestleMania
  51. Edge vs Triple H vs Vladimir Kozlov-Survivor Series 2008
  52. Kevin Sullivan vs Dave Sullivan-SuperBrawl V
  53. Steve McMichael vs Brian Adams-Road Wild 1998
  54. Scott Hall vs Roddy Piper-SuperBrawl IX
  55. PN News & Bobby Eaton vs Steve Austin & Terrance Taylor-Great American Bash 1991
  56. Scott Steiner vs Sid Vicious vs Jeff Jarrett vs Road Warrior Animal-Sin
  57. Hollywood Hogan vs Roddy Piper-SuperBrawl 1997
  58. Batista vs The Great Khali-SummerSlam 2007
  59.  Sable vs Tori-WrestleMania XV
  60. Super Invader vs Todd Champion-WrestleWar 1992
  61. King Kong Bundy & Jim Neidhart vs Yokozuna & Jake Roberts-Heroes of Wrestling
  62. Sid Vicious vs The Nightstalker-Clash of the Champions XIII
  63. The 8-Divas Tag Match-Survivor Series 1999
  64. The Fabulous Freebirds vs The Renegade Warriors-Halloween Havoc 1990
  65. Rick Rude vs Masahiro Chono-Halloween Havoc 1992
  66. Mike Awesome vs Vampiro-Halloween Havoc 2000
  67. Bray Wyatt vs John Cena-Extreme Rules 2014
  68. Brothers of Destruction vs KroniK-Unforgiven 2001
  69. Mabel vs The Undertaker-King of the Ring 1995
  70. Wendi Richter vs The Fabulous Moolah-The Brawl to End it All
  71. David Flair vs Kimberly Page-Mayhem 1999
  72. The Truth Commission vs The Disciples of Apocolypse-Survivor Series 1997
  73. The Bushwhacker vs The Fabulous Rougeaus-WrestleMania V
  74. The Beverly Brothers vs The Bushwhackers-Royal Rumble 1992
  75. Teddy Long vs Eric Bischoff-Survivor Series 2005
  76. Greg Valentine vs George Steele-Heroes of Wrestling
  77. Abdullah the Butcher vs One Man Gang-Heroes of Wrestling
  78. Major Gunns vs Miss Hancock-New Blood Rising
  79. Bradshaw & Trish Stratus vs Christopher Nowinski & Jackie Gayda-RAW (7/8/2002)
  80. Triple H vs Scott Steiner-Royal Rumble 2003
  81. Hollywood Hogan vs The Warrior-Halloween Havoc 1998
  82. Mr. T vs Roddy Piper-WrestleMania 2
  83. The Royal Family vs Clowns R' Us-Survivor Series 1994
  84. The Blacktop Bully vs Dustin Rhodes-Uncensored 1995
  85. Pat Patterson vs Gerald Brisco-King of the Ring 2000
  86. The Four Doinks vs Team Bigelow-Survivor Series 1993
  87. Sting vs Jeff Hardy-Victory Road 2011
  88. Oz vs Tim Parker-SuperBrawl
  89. Ultimate Warrior vs Andre the Giant-Saturday Night's Main Event (11/25/1989)
  90. The Doomsday Cage Match-Uncensored 1996
  91. Kane vs The Undertaker-Judgement Day 1998
  92. Rebel vs Shelly Martinez-One Night Only: Knockouts Knockdown
  93. Kaitlyn vs Maxine-NXT (10/19/10)
  94. Sabu vs The Sandman-November to Remember 1997
  95. The Bushwhackers vs Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff-Heroes of Wrestling
  96. James Storm vs Chris Harris-Lockdown 2007
  97. John Laurinaitis vs John Cena-Over the Limit 2012
  98. Ultimate Warrior vs Goldust-In Your House 7
  99. Los Villanos vs Los Psycho Circus-Triplemania XXIII
  100. Jenna Morasca vs Sharmell-Victory Road 2009
Thanks for reading this bonus edition of the Worst in the World. There is another match I will be doing for this series, but that's for another time. And as always, I hope you enjoyed!
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