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My Thoughts on RAW (3/28/16): Eat the Wall

  • I was having the best game of Black Ops 3 Zombies of my life, then I realized it was 7:57 and that I had to get off because RAW was starting, so this show better be worth it.
  • We kick off with the Undertaker. He says WrestleMania 32 will NOT be his last. He reiterates that Shane's blood is one Vince's hands, but Vince's blood will be on his. He says Shane will fight until the end and give it everything he's got, but that WrestleMania is his yard and Hell in a Cell is his house. He says Shane will rest in peace, and out comes Shane. He says he is the change that WWE's needed for a long time. He says whatever is left of him will be on RAW the next night, and he'll be in control. He says he will destroy Undertaker's legacy if he has too. Undertaker says Shane doesn't get to talk about his legacy, which prompts Shane to come to the ring. He says Taker's legacy died when Lesnar ended The Streak. Taker says Shane is just like Vince, and calls him Vince's bitch since the day he was born. The two brawl, with Undertaker tossing him from the ring and throwing him around ringside. Taker tears apart the announce table and goes for the Last Ride, but Shane jumps out and hits Taker with a TV monitor, knocking him onto the table. Shane looks at the top rope, and the crowd knows exactly what he's going to do. He goes to the top rope and puts Taker through the table with an elbow drop. Shane's music plays as he walks up the ramp, but Undertaker sits up as the music cuts right away, and does the throat slit to Shane. Shane points at the WrestleMania sign to end a great segment.
  • Zack Ryder vs Chris Jericho-Well, apparently I wasn't hallucinating last night and Zack Ryder did in fact get a WrestleMania match. This match is happening because Jericho said that Ryder isn't good enough to be a champion or get a WrestleMania moment on the RAW pre-show. Jericho adds that he'd rather watch WrestleMania from the stands instead of fighting Styles again. Before the match, AJ Styles comes down to ringside and says he won't leave until Jericho agrees to fight him. Ryder almost gets the flash roll up, but Jericho kicks out and tosses Ryder from the ring. Jericho kicks Ryder around, but Ryder runs wild. Ryder gets the Broski Boot reversed into the Walls of Jericho, but Styles takes a mic and starts a "Y2-JACKASS" chant. This allows Ryder to get the roll up win. Ryder immediately eats a Codebreaker, and Jericho goes mental at ringside after Styles makes the save. Jericho takes the mic and agrees to the match, and says that Styles' first WrestleMania will be his last. Not a match, just an angle
  • Becky Lynch vs Charlotte-Sasha Banks is at ringside. Match kicks off with Becky hitting two arm drags, but Charlotte takes control before the commercial. We come back to Becky running wild, hitting a Bex-Plex for a two count. Becky goes for the Disarm-her, but Charlotte rolls her up, allowing her to take advantage. Becky regains control and kicks Charlotte from the ring. Charlotte and Sasha argue for a bit before Becky chases Charlotte back to the ring. Ric Flair holds Becky's leg when she slides back in, allowing Charlotte to hit a big boot and Natural Selection for the win. Fine match, nothing special
  • Backstage, Renee Young interviews Vince McMahon. She asks him about the opening to the show, and Vince says he isn't surprised at how gutsy Shane is. Vince says Shane will do anything to take control of RAW, and he's only angered the Undertaker. Out of nowhere comes Shane, who says Vince thinks he's a god, and he will let loose pent up aggression. He says Vince stole WWE from Vince Sr., and he plans on taking the company from him.
  • The Social Outcasts are out for a promo. Axel wishes his dad a Happy Birthday and Slater starts to talk, but out comes Big Show & Kane.
  • Big Show & Kane vs Curtis Axel & Bo Dallas-So despite Kane blindsiding & chokeslamming Big Show, they team tonight against Curtis Axel & Bo Dallas. Kane and Axel start off, and Kane almost immediately goes for the chokeslam, but the Social Outcasts cause a DQ. The rest of the locker room comes out to brawl, ending with Kane & Big Show chokeslamming Mark Henry, followed by all of the Social Outcasts.
  • Outcomes Triple H & Stephanie McMahon. Stephanie tells people to stand up and show respect for Triple H, then says to get on there knees and grovel at his feet. Triple H hypes up WrestleMania and says that it's everyone's dream to walk down the ramp and stand in the ring at WrestleMania as the WWE Champion. He says it will never happen for any of the fans, because they aren't good enough to make their dreams a reality. He then hypes up Roman Reigns, saying he's is a one-of-a-kind athlete, which the crowd boos. Triple H incorrectly says Reigns was only WWE Champion for five minutes (don't forget he held the title for almost a month after TLC), and says he is the most successful superstar in history, and the greatest superstar in history. He says Reigns lit the fire of his obsession when he powerbombed him through the announce table at TLC, Triple H says Reigns has already lost, and he will end his dream and walk out of WrestleMania as champion. Stephanie buries every other match on the card, and says WrestleMania is only about Triple H. Outcomes Roman Reigns to a chorus of boos. Reigns and Triple H brawl until Reigns knocks Triple H down and he rolls out of the ring. The crowd boos as Roman Reigns stands tall. DO YOU NOT HERE THE BOOS!
  • Triple H and Stephanie are walking backstage...that's it. That's all they showed.
  • Kofi Kingston vs Alberto Del Rio-The New Day get a huge ovation before their promo. They push Booty-O's cereal, and that gets a chant. They say the League of Nations will never get a cereal for themselves. Outcomes the League of Nations to start the match. Match kicks off with Kofi dodging a dropkick through the ropes, Woods provides a distraction with Francessca II, and Kofi blindsides Del Rio. They go back in the ring and Kofi goes to the top rope, but Del Rio catches him and hits a reverse suplex off the top. Kofi rolls out of the ring as we go to commercial. We come back with Del Rio working over Kofi. Del Rio goes for his Tree of Woe double stomp, but Kofi dodges it and hits a top rope axehandle followed by a dropkick and the SOS for a two count. Del Rio hits a backstabber and calls for a superkick, but Kofi counters with a jumping double stomp for a two count. Del Rio blocks a kick in the corner, hits a double stomp and calls for the cross armbreaker, but Kofi reverses it and rolls up Del Rio for the win. Fun little match. After the match out comes THE COACH! JONATHON COACHMAN! He says The New Day were his favorite ESPN guests, announces SportsCenter will be live from WrestleMania on Sunday, and he loves Booty-O's. He celebrates with the New Day afterwards.
  • They announce that Joan Lunden, a breast cancer survivor and special correspondent for the Today Show, will be receiving the Warrior Award at the Hall of Fame ceremony.
  • Renee Young interviews Roman Reigns, but Bubba Ray Dudley challenges him to a fight. D-Von shows up, and Reigns fights the Dudleyz, but outcomes Triple H to make it three-on-one. Bubba throws Reigns into the wall after screaming "EAT THE WALL", and Triple H tells Reigns his dream is over.
  • Kalisto vs Konnor-Konnor starts the match with a straight punch and rolling headlocks. Kalisto dodges a charging Konnor and runs wild, but Konnor blocks the hurricanrana and tosses Kalisto away. Kalisto takes out Viktor and hits Salida Del Sol for the win. Afterwards, Kalisto fights off the Ascension, and outcomes Ryback, who sizes up and stares down Kalisto as the crowd calls him Goldberg. He does the Feed Me More taunt in his face and leaves.
  • Backstage, Paul Heyman walks into Lesnar's locker room to tell him his public awaits.
  • Outcomes Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman. Heyman says Lesnar is the baddest beast on the planet today, and says that Ambrose is an idiot & a lunatic for trying to fight Lesnar. He gives Ambrose credit for being smart enough to choosing to fight Ambrose in a Street Fight, but that Lesnar will destroy him at WrestleMania. Heyman says that Lesnar will win at WrestleMania, and that that's not a prediction, it's a spoiler. Outcomes Dean Ambrose with a wagon. Without saying a word, Ambrose throws a bunch of weapons into the wagon, including a crowbar, a lead pipe, Barbie the barb-wire bat, a fire extinguisher, Terry Funk's chainsaw, nunchucks, and the steel steps. Without even looking at Lesnar, Ambrose leaves with his wagon of weapons. Such a cool segment.
  • Paige vs Emma-Before the match, they announce a 10-Divas tag match between Team Total Divas (Paige, Alicia Fox, Brie Bella, Natalya, and a mystery partner) vs Team Bad and Blonde (Lana, Naomi, Tamina, Emma, and Summer Rae) for WrestleMania. Also, anyone who reads my NXT reviews knows I absolutely love Emma, and you can bet I'm super happy she's getting a WrestleMania match this year. Emma takes control early on, stepping on Paige's hair and dropkicking her for a two count. Emma hits the Emma-mite Sandwich for a two count, and Paige hits two mule kicks followed by a shining wizard for a two count. Paige hits a fallaway slam and Tamina hops up on the apron. The two teams brawl, and Lana enters the ring and kicks Paige in the face, allowing Emma to pick up the win. The two continue to fight, with Lana staying out of the brawling but outcomes...ugh...Eva Marie. She beats up Lana and tries to celebrate with the Total Divas, but they're having none of it. The entire time, she earns a "YOU CAN'T WRESTLE" chant. I'm sorry, are these writers legitimately brain dead? HOW COULD THEY THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA? IT'S EVA MARIE! Idiots.
  • Another Goldust and R-Truth segment happens. Who cares?
  • They announce Snoop Dog will be inducted into the Hall of Fame's celebrity wing
  • Stardust, The Miz, and Kevin Owens vs Sin Cara, Sami Zayn, and Dolph Ziggler-Zayn and Miz start the match. The two go back and forth before Owens tags in to pop the crowd, only to tag Stardust right in. Zayn works over Stardust and tags in Ziggler, who rolls up Stardust for a two count. Stardust bodyslams Ziggler, but Ziggler rolls him up while he celebrates. Stardust starts to put the boots to Ziggler until Ziggler fights back and goes for the superkick, but Stardust dodges and rolls out. Ziggler superkicks Miz before the commercial break. We come back with Ziggler dropkicking Stardust and tagging in Sin Cara. Sin Cara and Stardust have a fast paced exchange that the fans don't pay attention to as they're paying attention to a fan getting kicked out. Miz tags in as Sin Cara runs wild, with some douche in the crowd telling people to chant for CM Punk. Zayn gets back in and the crowd gets back into it, chanting "Ole". Stardust tags in and Zayn and him go back and forth before Zayn tags in Ziggler, who runs wild on Stardust, hitting a swinging neckbreaker and an elbow drop for a two count. Stardust blocks Ziggler's jumping DDT attempt and throws him into the heels corner. Miz tags in as Owens plays cheerleader. Stardust and Miz both work over Ziggler, with Owens tagging in for one punch. Stardust blocks a superkick and hits a side effect for a two count as the show abruptly goes to commercial. We comeback with the heels continuing to working over Ziggler as the crowd chants "THIS IS BOOTY". Ziggler hits a Famouser on Miz and makes the tag to Zayn. Zayn runs wild on the heels, hitting a huge tope to the outside on Owens. Sin Cara must have tagged in at some point, because he got a Swanton blocked and tagged in Zayn again.  Everyone hits their finishers before Owens tags in, but gets a Pop Up Powerbomb reversed with a dropkick by Zayn. Miz and Stardust abandon Owens when he goes for the tag, and Zayn hits a springboard tornado DDT and a Helluva Kick for the win. Man, the crowd completely sh*t on this match. I couldn't even enjoy it.
  • Outcomes Triple H and Stephanie McMahon again. Stephanie says everyone hates them because they will never be as successful as them, and that the Authority isn't going anywhere. Triple H says he ran from Reigns and blindsided him earlier was strategy. Outcomes Reigns...again, but Triple H comes out to fight him. The two brawl at ringside. Stephanie calls out all the heels to help out Triple H. Outcomes the other faces to even the odds and stop the fight. Triple H tries to make it back to the ring, and Reigns hits a plancha onto all the heels. Triple H runs again as Reigns stands tall to more boos.
I should have kept playing Black Ops. This show sucked. The opening and the Lesnar-Ambrose segment were great, but there was so little good wrestling, and there was nothing of substance. And of course, seeing the top babyface get booed out of the building one week before WrestleMania, where he is supposed to be cheered, which could have easily been avoided, proves how clueless this company is. Enjoy WrestleMania, everybody, it's going to be a tough one.
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