Skip to main content

Worst in the World: The Royal Family vs Clowns R' Us-Survivor Series 1994


Photo credit: thedailyspotlight.com

I hate clowns. Almost as much as I hate pointless, filler, traditional Survivor Series matches. So basically, this is my nightmare match. This is an 8-man elimination tag match, where six of the eight participants are dwarfs, and only the dwarfs can fight the dwarfs, and the normal sized people fight each other. Because all wrestling is better with little people! The match pits Doink the Clown, and his Mini Doinks Dink, Pink, and Wink, known as Clowns R' Us, facing Jerry Lawler and his "Mini Lawlers" Cheesy, Queasy, and Sleazy, known as The Royal Family.
Before I start, I just want to talk about wrestlers who are simply extensions of better wrestlers. Unless their name is Kane, they never work out...ever. Seriously, think of all the characters that have been introduced just to further a pre-existing character that have failed that isn't Kane. Zeus, Giant Gonzales, Isacc Yankem, Dave Sullivan, The Knights the list goes on and on. That's exactly what the six dwarfs are, extensions of Doink and Lawler that will become completely irrelevant after this match. In fact, none of the dwarfs do anything important in the WWF ever again. So basically, this match is completely and utterly meaningless
The match starts with lots of "Burger King" chants because...I don't know, he's "The King" I guess, it's not funny no matter what. Now to be fair, Doink himself is not a bad wrestler, and seeing him and Lawler go one-on-one could actually be pretty entertaining. Doink puts Lawler in an arm stretcher, and the three Mini Doinks run over him, run over him again, and then the Mini Lawlers run over him. This is the comedy section of the match...too bad it's not funny. Vince McMahon and Gorilla Monsoon keep making puns on commentary. They aren't funny. Are you seeing a pattern with this match's idea of "comedy"
They do the same arm strecher spot with Lawler putting Doink in an arm strecher, the Mini Lawlers run on Doink, and then trip over him on the way back. It's still not funny. Doink and Lawler wrestle for a bit and Lawler body slams Doink. He calls one of the little Lawlers to pin Doink, he counts it, but Doink throws the little Lawler onto Lawler, and Lawler just throws the little Lawler away like he's nothing. This was actually pretty funny. The Doinks put a Burger King crown on Lawler's head, That's still not funny.
Dink climbs up on Doink's shoulders to fight Lawler, so Lawler CLIMBS ON ONE OF THE LITTLE LAWLERS TO FIGHT DOINK. It's funny how none of the actually funny comedy spots are coming from the comedy wrestler. Two of the clowns and two of the little Lawlers do a criss cross spot. It's still not funny. Lawler eventually uses a foreign object on Doink. This is pathetic. Lawler finally eliminates Doink after reversing a cross body and holding the tights. It took 10 MINUTES for someone to get eliminated. Now, according to the rules, Lawler can't do anything, and should be eliminated. However, Lawler just stays on the apron the whole time, and the referee doesn't care. This match makes no sense.
So now the only people who can wrestle are the dwarfs. And these aren't like lucha libre minis who are actually exciting and talented. These dwarfs are terrible. One of the mini Doinks gets eliminated with the single worst roll up ever not done by Kevin Sullivan. Another one gets eliminated after Lawler drops on of his minis on him. The little Doinks both just hide under the ring. Dink now runs wild on all of the mini Lawlers by himself.  WHATCHA GONNA DO, WHEN DWARFAMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU! Dink gets a pin and visual three, but Lawler distracts the ref, and another little Lawler flips the pin so Dink gets pinned for a real three. So, the Royal Family gets a clean sweep.
After the match, Lawler gets mad at the mini Lawlers for celebrating, claiming he did all the work. This is supposed to be a heel move...but it's true. If he hadn't helped with the roll up, body slammed one of the mini Lawlers on to one of the mini Doinks, and distracted the referee, there is no way the Lawlers would have won. The mini Lawlers turn on Lawler, try to fight Lawler, and the mini Doinks join in. Lawler gets away from the six-on-one fight, only to get a pie in the face from Doink. Had to get one last bad comedy spot in there at the end.

The Verdict

This might be the worst comedy match I've ever seen. Some of the jokes work, but for everyone that does, there are about seven jokes that fall completely flat . To top it off, this is by far the most irritating entry in The Worst in the World I've done so far. The amount of times I had to write the same two words over and over again drove me to the point of insanity. The word "Doink" appears in this entry 22 different times. Think that's bad? Well, I had to write "Lawler" 36 TIMES! That's 58 times all together. I'm going to have nightmares with "Doink" and "Lawler" just flashing over and over again. It's not the worst, but it is definitely at the bottom of the list right now. It's easily the worst Survivor Series match I've ever seen.

Rankings (Best to Worst)

  1. Konnan vs One Man Gang-SuperBrawl VI
  2. Ultimate Warrior vs Hercules-WrestleMania IV
  3. The Chamber of Horrors-Halloween Havoc 1991
  4. Nikita Koloff vs Bobby Eaton-Bunkhouse Stampede
  5. Total Divas vs Other Divas-Survivor Series 2013
  6. The Oddities vs Kaientai-SummerSlam 1998
  7. Hulk Hogan vs Sid Justice-WrestleMania VIII
  8. Hollywood Hogan vs The Giant-Hog Wild
  9. Kevin Sullivan vs Dave Sullivan-SuperBrawl V
  10. Greg Valentine vs George Steele-Heroes of Wrestling
  11. Hollywood Hogan vs The Warrior-Halloween Havoc 1998
  12. The Royal Family vs Clowns R' Us-Survivor Series 1994
  13. The Doomsday Cage Match-Uncensored 1996 
  14. James Storm vs Chris Harris-Lockdown 2007
Huh...so what's next...
Oh boy. It's Kennel from Hell time, everybody!
Thanks for reading.

Comments

More from The Wrestling Section

Worst in the World: The Gimmick Battle Royal-WrestleMania X-Seven

(Special thanks to Frost for suggesting this match. If you'd like to see a match covered on the Worst in the World, leave a comment down below.) WrestleMania X-Seven. Heavily considered the not just the best WrestleMania, but the greatest wrestling show of all time, WrestleMania X-Seven took place during the hottest period in the WWF's history, and features just about every one of the hottest acts in wrestling at the time. An undercard featuring the likes of Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, William Regal, Kane, and the Big Show. One of the biggest female stars in the history of wrestling in Chyna. A killer TLC match between the Dudley Boyz, the Hardy Boyz, and Edge & Christian. A wild brawl between The Undertaker and Triple H. A massive main event between Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock. Hell, even the father vs son Street Fight between Vince & Shane McMahon. It's a star-studded affair. However, there's one match that sticks out like

Worst in the World: The Last Rites Match-TNA Destination X 2007

(Special thanks to an anonymous user for suggesting this match. If you'd like to see a match covered on the Worst in the World, leave a comment down below.) An often discussed aspect of professional wrestling is the backstage politicking of Hulk Hogan. Throughout his career as a major attraction in wrestling, Hogan's philosophy has always been to protect Hulk Hogan...OK, sometimes he'd help Ed Leslie, but most of the time it was to protect Hulk Hogan. Because of that philosophy and Hogan's influence as a top guy, there have been multiple instances where a company's booking and other wrestlers have suffered as a result. Would having Mr. Perfect win the 1990 Royal Rumble made sense and could have elevated a rising star and potentially created a new main event player? Yes, but that would require Hogan to not win, and that doesn't work for Hogan, so he wins the Rumble even though he doesn't need elevating. Would booking Randy Orton to beat Hogan at SummerSlam 20

Worst in the World: D-Generation X vs Brothers of Destruction-Crown Jewel

This match didn't need to happen. After Triple H and the Undertaker had one of the most brutally bad matches of 2018 at Super Show-Down not even a month earlier, nobody wanted to see them try to wrestle again. Also, nobody wanted to see Shawn Michaels come out of retirement after his fantastic sendoff in 2010, especially for a match like this. But here we are, Triple H & Shawn Michaels facing The Undertaker & Kane in 2018. The combined ages of these four at the time is 206. That's a number you'd expect to see from a match at Heroes of Wrestling. And anyone can come up with their own reason as to why this match is happening, but that would just be ignoring the actual reason. For those of you who don't know, Crown Jewel was held in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. That might not seem like important information, but you can't really discuss this match without mentioning it. Despite the numerous reasons that running shows in Saudi Arabia is morally wrong (their abuse

Worst in the World: Nia Jax's Worst Matches

Click the link here to vote in the poll and help decide the next edition of the Worst in the World. Nia Jax's first run with the WWE can really only be described as hard to watch. Sure, she had a few stand-out matches, most notably (and surprisingly) her match with Ronda Rousey at Money in the Bank, and an underrated gem with Bayley at NXT TakeOver: London, but those were always outshined by her most infamous matches and moments. She's since returned to WWE and, for the most part, seems to have improved a bit, but the reputation she got from her initial run is gonna be hard to shake off. This week, I'll be looking at some of Jax's worst matches. These include just flat-out bad matches, and matches that have become infamous examples of her reckless in-ring work. Match #1: vs Charlotte Flair-April 10th, 2017 Raw The first match we'll be looking at is from the April 10, 2017 episode of Monday Night Raw, when Nia took on Charlotte Flair. The two had been on the losing e

Worst in the World: Eric Young & Shark Boy vs Generation Me-TNA Destination X 2011

Click the link here to vote in the poll and help decide the next edition of the Worst in the World. Throughout the late 2000s and 2010s, few tag teams made as much noise on the independent scene as the Young Bucks. Really breaking out at a time when WWE made their tag division a borderline afterthought, Matt & Nick Jackson were almost unmatched in terms of elite matches on the indys, most notably in Pro Wrestling Guerrilla & Ring of Honor before joining New Japan Pro-Wrestling and Bullet Club, becoming mainstays of the group as it reached its peak throughout the mid-2010s. Sure, their style hasn't endeared them to old-school wrestling fans, but you can't deny their impact on wrestling. And with the arrival of All Elite Wrestling in 2019, North American fans would finally get to see the Young Bucks on national television for the first time... However... In what has become somewhat of a footnote in their careers, the Young Bucks had been on a nationally televised wrestlin