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Worst in the World: The Royal Family vs Clowns R' Us-Survivor Series 1994

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Photo credit: thedailyspotlight.com

I hate clowns. Almost as much as I hate pointless, filler, traditional Survivor Series matches. So basically, this is my nightmare match. This is an 8-man elimination tag match, where six of the eight participants are dwarfs, and only the dwarfs can fight the dwarfs, and the normal sized people fight each other. Because all wrestling is better with little people! The match pits Doink the Clown, and his Mini Doinks Dink, Pink, and Wink, known as Clowns R' Us, facing Jerry Lawler and his "Mini Lawlers" Cheesy, Queasy, and Sleazy, known as The Royal Family.
Before I start, I just want to talk about wrestlers who are simply extensions of better wrestlers. Unless their name is Kane, they never work out...ever. Seriously, think of all the characters that have been introduced just to further a pre-existing character that have failed that isn't Kane. Zeus, Giant Gonzales, Isacc Yankem, Dave Sullivan, The Knights the list goes on and on. That's exactly what the six dwarfs are, extensions of Doink and Lawler that will become completely irrelevant after this match. In fact, none of the dwarfs do anything important in the WWF ever again. So basically, this match is completely and utterly meaningless
The match starts with lots of "Burger King" chants because...I don't know, he's "The King" I guess, it's not funny no matter what. Now to be fair, Doink himself is not a bad wrestler, and seeing him and Lawler go one-on-one could actually be pretty entertaining. Doink puts Lawler in an arm stretcher, and the three Mini Doinks run over him, run over him again, and then the Mini Lawlers run over him. This is the comedy section of the match...too bad it's not funny. Vince McMahon and Gorilla Monsoon keep making puns on commentary. They aren't funny. Are you seeing a pattern with this match's idea of "comedy"
They do the same arm strecher spot with Lawler putting Doink in an arm strecher, the Mini Lawlers run on Doink, and then trip over him on the way back. It's still not funny. Doink and Lawler wrestle for a bit and Lawler body slams Doink. He calls one of the little Lawlers to pin Doink, he counts it, but Doink throws the little Lawler onto Lawler, and Lawler just throws the little Lawler away like he's nothing. This was actually pretty funny. The Doinks put a Burger King crown on Lawler's head, That's still not funny.
Dink climbs up on Doink's shoulders to fight Lawler, so Lawler CLIMBS ON ONE OF THE LITTLE LAWLERS TO FIGHT DOINK. It's funny how none of the actually funny comedy spots are coming from the comedy wrestler. Two of the clowns and two of the little Lawlers do a criss cross spot. It's still not funny. Lawler eventually uses a foreign object on Doink. This is pathetic. Lawler finally eliminates Doink after reversing a cross body and holding the tights. It took 10 MINUTES for someone to get eliminated. Now, according to the rules, Lawler can't do anything, and should be eliminated. However, Lawler just stays on the apron the whole time, and the referee doesn't care. This match makes no sense.
So now the only people who can wrestle are the dwarfs. And these aren't like lucha libre minis who are actually exciting and talented. These dwarfs are terrible. One of the mini Doinks gets eliminated with the single worst roll up ever not done by Kevin Sullivan. Another one gets eliminated after Lawler drops on of his minis on him. The little Doinks both just hide under the ring. Dink now runs wild on all of the mini Lawlers by himself.  WHATCHA GONNA DO, WHEN DWARFAMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU! Dink gets a pin and visual three, but Lawler distracts the ref, and another little Lawler flips the pin so Dink gets pinned for a real three. So, the Royal Family gets a clean sweep.
After the match, Lawler gets mad at the mini Lawlers for celebrating, claiming he did all the work. This is supposed to be a heel move...but it's true. If he hadn't helped with the roll up, body slammed one of the mini Lawlers on to one of the mini Doinks, and distracted the referee, there is no way the Lawlers would have won. The mini Lawlers turn on Lawler, try to fight Lawler, and the mini Doinks join in. Lawler gets away from the six-on-one fight, only to get a pie in the face from Doink. Had to get one last bad comedy spot in there at the end.

The Verdict

This might be the worst comedy match I've ever seen. Some of the jokes work, but for everyone that does, there are about seven jokes that fall completely flat . To top it off, this is by far the most irritating entry in The Worst in the World I've done so far. The amount of times I had to write the same two words over and over again drove me to the point of insanity. The word "Doink" appears in this entry 22 different times. Think that's bad? Well, I had to write "Lawler" 36 TIMES! That's 58 times all together. I'm going to have nightmares with "Doink" and "Lawler" just flashing over and over again. It's not the worst, but it is definitely at the bottom of the list right now. It's easily the worst Survivor Series match I've ever seen.

Rankings (Best to Worst)

  1. Konnan vs One Man Gang-SuperBrawl VI
  2. Ultimate Warrior vs Hercules-WrestleMania IV
  3. The Chamber of Horrors-Halloween Havoc 1991
  4. Nikita Koloff vs Bobby Eaton-Bunkhouse Stampede
  5. Total Divas vs Other Divas-Survivor Series 2013
  6. The Oddities vs Kaientai-SummerSlam 1998
  7. Hulk Hogan vs Sid Justice-WrestleMania VIII
  8. Hollywood Hogan vs The Giant-Hog Wild
  9. Kevin Sullivan vs Dave Sullivan-SuperBrawl V
  10. Greg Valentine vs George Steele-Heroes of Wrestling
  11. Hollywood Hogan vs The Warrior-Halloween Havoc 1998
  12. The Royal Family vs Clowns R' Us-Survivor Series 1994
  13. The Doomsday Cage Match-Uncensored 1996 
  14. James Storm vs Chris Harris-Lockdown 2007
Huh...so what's next...
Oh boy. It's Kennel from Hell time, everybody!
Thanks for reading.
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