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Worst in the World: The Bushwhackers vs Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff-Heroes of Wrestling

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Only five matches in the history have earned the notorious -5 stars rating from Dave Meltzer of the Wrestling Observer. And I've gone through all of them in the Worst in the World...except one. And from what I understand, this is quite possible the worst of the bunch. And it could only come from a show as bad as the equally notorious Heroes of Wrestling. It's the Bushwhackers facing off against the team of the Iron Shiek and Nikolai Volkoff. That's over 200 years of age combined from everyone in this match. Let's just get into this.
So before the match, Volkoff sings the Russian National Anthem (as usual) and Shiek doing a Persian Club demonstration. Then outcome the Bushwhackers, who lick some children in the crowd. Somebody call Chris Hansen. Sheik & Volkoff slowly blindside the Bushwhackers in the corner before the Bushwhackers take them both out and they roll to the outside. The Bushwhackers then get the fans to start chanting "USA". The Bushwhackers, who are from New Zealand. Stupid idiots...
Despite spending well over ten seconds outside the ring (almost 40 seconds), Volkoff gets back, only to quickly get back out and tries to leave with Sheik. After spending well over ten seconds out of the ring again, Volkoff gets back in the ring and punches Luke while he's in a headlock, which he sells late. Volkoff gives him a big boot in the stomach and he sells late again. The referee gets distracted by Butch trying to get in the ring, which allows Sheik & Volkoff to double team Luke. It's at this point that you see how Sheik is in seriously rough shape. He walks so gingerly around the ring and moves so slowly. He's in such bad shape that off an Irish whip he simply gently pushes Luke. It's really hard to watch.
Thankfully, Volkoff comes back in on another Butch distraction. The fact that Volkoff moving at a snail's pace is better than Sheik being in the ring just tells you how bad this is. Sheik comes back in (oh God) and hits a very slow kick before going right back out. Volkoff almost drops Luke on a scoop (which commentator Randy Rosenbloom calls a "bearhug") and proceeds to hit by far the safest backbreaker I have ever seen. It looked like there was zero impact whatsoever. Rosenbloom called it a "soft slam." It's probably not surprising to know that Rosenbloom was the alternate for Gordon Solie, who canceled due to health reasons. Of course, that didn't stop them from still advertising him for the show.
Sheik locks in the Camel Clutch on Luke, even though it looked more like a Steiner Recliner, and tries to break his back, make him humble. It takes the commentators a whole ten seconds to acknowledge it, which is around the time Butch comes in to break it up. With little to no fanfare, Butch tags in and runs wild on the heels until the referee gets distracted by Luke in the ring. Sheik & Volkoff get a foreign object, but Butch dodges and Volkoff hits Sheik. This allows Butch to pin Sheik for the win.

The Verdict

In the words of the Iron Sheik; FACKIN BULLSH*T!
No one in this match could work, and one of the competitors was barely mobile. Sheik looked like he could hardly walk, let alone wrestle, and Volkoff moved at such a slow pace you'd think you were watching the match at half speed. The commentary was absolutely terrible, with multiple incorrect calls throughout the match, especially from Rosenbloom. It's easily among the worst matches I've ever seen. Is it the worst? Nope. But it's definitely going towards the bottom

Rankings (Best to Worst)

  1. Too Much vs Al Snow & Head-King of the Ring 1998
  2. Vampiro vs Sting-Great American Bash 2000
  3. T&A vs Head Cheese-WrestleMania 2000
  4. Triple H vs Sgt. Slaughter-D-Generation X: In Your House
  5. Konnan vs One Man Gang-SuperBrawl VI
  6. Ultimate Warrior vs Hercules-WrestleMania IV
  7. Rick Rude vs Hawk-Clash of the Champions XXV
  8. Shelton Benjamin vs Viscera-New Year's Revolution 2006
  9. Steve McMichael vs Reggie White-Slamboree 1997
  10. The Chamber of Horrors-Halloween Havoc 1991
  11. The Natural Disasters vs Money Inc.-WrestleMania VIII
  12. Ivan Koloff vs Paul Jones-Clash of the Champions IV
  13. ODB, Taylor Wilde, and Roxxi vs The Kongtourage-Genesis 2009
  14. Ivory vs Tori-SummerSlam 1999
  15. Nikita Koloff vs Bobby Eaton-Bunkhouse Stampede
  16. Alex Wright vs Steve McMichael-Halloween Havoc 1997
  17. Total Divas vs Other Divas-Survivor Series 2013
  18. The Oddities vs Kaientai-SummerSlam 1998
  19. Hulk Hogan vs Sid Justice-WrestleMania VIII
  20. Paul Ellering vs Teddy Long-Capital Combat
  21. Dusty Rhodes vs Big Boss Man-Saturday Night's Main Event (10/31/1989)
  22. Hollywood Hogan vs The Giant-Hog Wild
  23. Hollywood Hogan vs The Giant-Souled Out 1997
  24. Dustin Rhodes & King Kong vs Awesome Kong & The Equalizer-Battlebowl
  25. Finlay & Little Bastard vs The Boogeyman & Little Boogeyman-No Way Out 2007
  26. Jake Roberts vs Andre the Giant-WrestleMania V
  27. Yokozuna vs King Mabel-In Your House 4
  28. Sting & Hawk vs Meng & Kurasawa-Clash of the Champions XXXI
  29. Hulk Hogan vs Randy Savage-Uncensored 1998
  30. Al Snow vs Big Boss Man-Unforgiven 1999
  31. Mickie James vs Ashley-Royal Rumble 2006
  32. Christy Hemme vs Big Fat Oily Guy-Against All Odds 2007
  33. Team WCW vs nWo Wolfpac vs nWo Hollywood-Fall Brawl 1998
  34. Vampiro vs Oklahoma-Starrcade 1999
  35. Hulk Hogan vs Andre the Giant-WrestleMania III
  36. Van Hammer vs Terrance Taylor-Clash of the Champions XVI
  37. Junkyard Dog vs Moondog Spot-Wrestling Classic
  38. Hiroshi Wajima vs Tom Magee-All Japan Pro Wrestling 1988
  39. Jim Steele vs The Equalizer-SuperBrawl IV
  40. Edge vs Triple H vs Vladimir Kozlov-Survivor Series 2008
  41. Kevin Sullivan vs Dave Sullivan-SuperBrawl V
  42. Steve McMichael vs Brian Adams-Road Wild 1998
  43. Scott Hall vs Roddy Piper-SuperBrawl IX
  44. PN News & Bobby Eaton vs Steve Austin & Terrance Taylor-Great American Bash 1991
  45. Scott Steiner vs Sid Vicious vs Jeff Jarrett vs Road Warrior Animal-Sin
  46. Hollywood Hogan vs Roddy Piper-SuperBrawl 1997
  47. Batista vs The Great Khali-SummerSlam 2007
  48.  Sable vs Tori-WrestleMania XV
  49. Super Invader vs Todd Champion-WrestleWar 1992
  50. Sid Vicious vs The Nightstalker-Clash of the Champions XIII
  51. The 8-Divas Tag Match-Survivor Series 1999
  52. The Fabulous Freebirds vs The Renegade Warriors-Halloween Havoc 1990
  53. Rick Rude vs Masahiro Chono-Halloween Havoc 1992
  54. Mike Awesome vs Vampiro-Halloween Havoc 2000
  55. Bray Wyatt vs John Cena-Extreme Rules 2014
  56. Mabel vs The Undertaker-King of the Ring 1995
  57. Wendi Richter vs The Fabulous Moolah-The Brawl to End it All
  58. David Flair vs Kimberly Page-Mayhem 1999
  59. The Truth Commission vs The Disciples of Apocolypse-Survivor Series 1997
  60. The Bushwhacker vs The Fabulous Rougeaus-WrestleMania V
  61. The Beverly Brothers vs The Bushwhackers-Royal Rumble 1992
  62. Teddy Long vs Eric Bischoff-Survivor Series 2005
  63. Greg Valentine vs George Steele-Heroes of Wrestling
  64. Abdullah the Butcher vs One Man Gang-Heroes of Wrestling
  65. Triple H vs Scott Steiner-Royal Rumble 2003
  66. Hollywood Hogan vs The Warrior-Halloween Havoc 1998
  67. Mr. T vs Roddy Piper-WrestleMania 2
  68. The Royal Family vs Clowns R' Us-Survivor Series 1994
  69. The Blacktop Bully vs Dustin Rhodes-Uncensored 1995
  70. Sting vs Jeff Hardy-Victory Road 2011
  71. Oz vs Tim Parker-SuperBrawl
  72. Ultimate Warrior vs Andre the Giant-Saturday Night's Main Event (11/25/1989)
  73. The Doomsday Cage Match-Uncensored 1996
  74. Kane vs The Undertaker-Judgement Day 1998
  75. Kaitlyn vs Maxine-NXT (10/19/10)
  76. Sabu vs The Sandman-November to Remember 1997
  77. The Bushwhackers vs Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff-Heroes of Wrestling
  78. James Storm vs Chris Harris-Lockdown 2007
  79. John Laurinaitis vs John Cena-Over the Limit 2012
  80. Ultimate Warrior vs Goldust-In Your House 7
  81. Los Villanos vs Los Psycho Circus-Triplemania XXIII
  82. Jenna Morasca vs Sharmell-Victory Road 2009
And up next is...
Well, that's...a match.
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