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My Thoughts on RAW (8/1/16): 3MB EXPLODES!

  • We kick off the show with the new Women's Champion Sasha Banks. "YOU DESERVE IT" chants fill the arena, and she thanks the crowd for their support. She says that last year during SummerSlam weekend she and Bayley stole the show in Brooklyn and that she'll beat Charlotte at SummerSlam. This brings out Charlotte and she gets loud "YOU TAPPED OUT!" chants. Sasha mocks her for losing, and notices Dana Brooke isn't with her. Charlotte says she doesn't need anyone to beat Sasha at SummerSlam and says Sasha only won because of one mistake. She calls Sasha an one night stand, and Sasha responds with possibly the best comeback in WWE history: "You're a Flair, if it weren't for a one night stand, you wouldn't be standing here." Damn. No wonder someone had to come out and talk, I don't know how you can even come back from that. Well, out comes Chris Jericho, who runs down Sasha and claims Charlotte is better than Ric Flair ever was. This running down of Sasha is interrupted by Enzo Amore. No Big Cass, just Enzo. Enzo kisses Sasha's hand after asking her how she's doin' and explains Cass' absences by saying that sometimes he likes to do business one-on-one. They flirt with each other a lot, and Charlotte manages to throw out a not-as-good-but-pretty-solid diss at Enzo: "When it comes to Enzo's love life, there's only ONE WORD to describe it." Jesus, RAW is Savage tonight. Enzo & Sasha fire back, and Jericho tells Enzo to watch it. What should Enzo watch? It. Enzo calls Jericho Bon Jovi and insults his scarf. This brings out Mick Foley, who shills Holy Foley and the WWE Network and books a mixed tag match; Chris Jericho & Charlotte vs Enzo Amore & Sasha Banks.
  • Chris Jericho & Charlotte vs Enzo Amore & Sasha Banks with Kevin Owens on commentary-Why is Kevin Owens on commentary? Don't question it, just enjoy. He explains that he came out to give people something good after the opening promo. Also, he stole Byron Saxton's tie because 1. He's awesome. and 2. F*ck Byron. In the ring, Enzo takes Jericho to school before Jericho crawls over to Charlotte. She tags in, bringing in Sasha as well. Charlotte and Sasha go back and forth before Charlotte tags in Jericho. Sasha & Enzo force Jericho & Charlotte out of the ring before hitting synchronized suicide dives before the commercial break. Jericho looks like he hit the barricade really hard. We come back to Jericho working over Enzo until he counters a running bulldog, making Jericho get crotched on the second rope (the most dangerous rope, of course). Enzo hits a crossbody but gets caught on a jumping nothing. Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho, but Enzo gets the ropes and quickly hits a diving DDT. Sasha tags in and runs wild on Charlotte while Owens gives her grief for using moves he used on the independent scene. Sasha goes for the Bank Statement, but Dana Brooke runs down and Sasha knocks her off the apron. Sasha rolls through on a roll-up attempt, but Charlotte kicks out. Sasha stops Jericho from interfering with a slap, but that allows Charlotte to knock her down and hit Natural Selection for the win. Natural Selection might be the worst finisher in wrestling today aside from the Rear View. It's just like an RKO, except the person taking it is like 2-3 feet off the ground. It makes no sense. The match was fine, nothing special. Afterwards, Jericho hits the Codebreaker on Enzo and Big Cass runs down to make the save a bit too late.
  • BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUN...Strowman vs Evan Anderholm-Why did he agree to face Braun Strowman? Because he gets $1000, and $5000 if he wins. Good luck with that. Strowman destroys this guy and wins with a reverse chokeslam.
  • Backstage, Stephanie & Foley talk about Strowman, when Mark Henry enters the convo. He says he's going to re-open the Hall of Pain, but Stephanie shuts him down, saying they picked him to be more of a mentor to the younger guys. Henry says he's still got a lot in the tank and he just needs one more shot. Foley agrees and books him in a United States Championship match with Rusev. Did he not see the last time these two had a title match? It was awful, why would he want to see it again?
  • More Golden Truth Pokemon Go hijinks.
  • The Golden Truth vs The Shining Stars-Truth keeps playing Pokemon Go as Goldust works over both stars until the numbers become too much, with the Stars hitting a rope hung body guillotine through the ropes from Primo and a slingshot senton from Epico. Goldust is able to cut off the heels, but Truth is distracted with the Pokemon, allowing Epico to hit the highly unnecessary springboard sunset flip for the roll up victory
  • Michael Cole is in the ring to interview Finn Balor. Balor says it's been a wild couple of weeks and that he was ready to make an impact on RAW. He is interrupted by Seth Rollins, who tells Cole to take a hike. Rollins brings up the fact that he was the first NXT Champion, that he was drafted higher than Balor, and that he beat Roman Reigns for the championship when Balor just beat him. Rollins says everything Finn has done, he did it first and better. Balor says he's going to be the first WWE Universal Champion. Rollins says Balor was great in NXT, but RAW is his show and says he's the man. Balor says everywhere he's gone, he's beaten "the man" and became the man. Balor adds that he earned his opportunity while Rollins was handed it, and Rollins says the only thing that's going to be handed to him is the Universal Championship, which Balor responds to by saying the only thing that's getting handed to him at SummerSlam is his ass. Rollins throws a strike, but Balor blocks and kicks Rollins from the ring.
  • Rusev (c) vs Mark Henry for the United States Championship-First off, Lana awesomely comes out in a wedding dress, as she & Rusev got married over the weekend. You could say she has a...Rusev Crush...I'm so sorry. Rusev bumps like a boss for Henry, getting tossed around the ring like Evan Anderholm, but Rusev quickly takes control again with kicks. In what might be most impressive/scariest spot of the night, the 45-year old, 400 pound Mark Henry hits the same rope hung body guillotine through the ropes that Primo hit earlier tonight before the commercial. We come back to Henry powering out of the Accolade. He walks wild until Rusev hits a spinning heel kick. Rusev finishes Henry off with a superkick to the back of the head and an Accolade. After the match, Rusev says the only reason the United States wins at the Olympics is because they're rigged against Russia and that no one will beat him for the United States Championship. All this talk of Olympics and America, you definitely know who's coming out. That's right!...Roman Reigns...sorry, no refunds. Reigns and Rusev have a staredown before Rusev tries to leave, but Reigns keeps getting in front of him. Rusev attacks, but Reigns fights back and hits Rusev with a Superman Punch.
  • Darren Young vs Titus O'Neil-Man, how fast did this angle die? The crowd was fully behind Young when he came back and became the #1 contender for the Intercontinental Championship, but then he and Miz stank up Battleground. This match came about after Titus asked what a lot of people were asking when they saw "Make Darren Young Great Again", and that is "When was Darren Young "great"?" Not now, apparently, as Titus manhandles Young for the majority of the match. The two counter each other's finishers before Titus school boys Young for the win, grabbing the tights in the process. Quick question, how exactly does that actually make it harder for the guy to kick out. I could imagine if it was like a wedgie, but how does pulling down someone's tight make it harder to kick out? Whatever, this match was lame.
  • Backstage, Sheamus interrupts Stephanie & Foley again, asking why Henry got a random title shot and not him. Cesaro comes in and says he should be United States Champion. Stephanie gives out about both them for bad mouthing where they were picked. Foley calms everyone down, explains why they were picked so low, and books them in a match, with the winner getting a future title match.
  • Backstage, Backlund is furious that Titus cheated, and Titus threatens to knock Backlund out. Young blindsides Titus, and Backlund drags him off.
  • Nia Jax vs Ariel Monroe-Nia murks her, end of story. After the match, Byron Saxton interviews Nia after her win. He asks her how it feels to debut in such strong fashion over the last two weeks. Nia runs over and splashes Monroe again, and tells him to ask her how it feels. Man, Nia is great just destroying jobbers left and right.
  • Backstage, Tom Phillips interviews Sami Zayn. He says Rollins is one of the best in WWE, but that he's got a big mouth. He says he's got something to prove, and he's going to prove it tonight.
  • The New Day vs Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson-The New Day reveal that Gallows & Anderson filed a complaint, and now one member is banned from ringside. Oddly enough, they book Xavier Woods as the one who's picked to be banned from ringside, despite being in his hometown. Big E then quotes Gucci when he got of prison in 2010; "NEW DAY ROCKS!" I'm not sure that's 100% accurate, but I'm no historian. The match begins with Big E getting a high-speed shoulder tackle in the corner cut off by a high knee from Anderson. Gallows & Anderson are able to cut off Big E from Kofi, but in one of the worst booked finishes I've ever seen, Big E school boys Anderson while he does the "Too Sweet" with Gallows for the win. Piss off. Gallows & Anderson obliterate the New Day afterwards, hitting the Magic Killer and the Boot of Doom twice on Big E. They finish off the beat down by dragging Big E balls first into the ring post.
  • Backstage, WWE medical staff attend to Big E's balls. That's it.
  • Cesaro vs Sheamus-The two trade uppercuts before Cesaro gains control. Sheamus rolls out of the ring, only to take an apron cannonball on the outside. Sheamus responds by forcing Cesaro into the ring post and slamming him on the ring apron. Sheamus hits the Ten Beats of the Bodhran and a diving shoulder tackle for a near fall. Cesaro basically deadlifts Sheamus for a suplex, but Sheamus catches him charging and hits a rolling senton. Cesaro responds with a springboard uppercut and calls for the Cesaro Swing, but Sheamus escapes and almost gets the win on a roll up. Cesaro counters a tilt-a-whirl slam and hits the Neutralizer for the win. Fine, decent little match.
  • We come back from commercial to see Sheamus & Cesaro are being separated by security while Heath Slater is in the ring having a moan about not being drafted. And who's with him? Jinder. F*cking. Mahal. YES! The band is back together! Well, 2/3 of the band. Outcomes Mick Foley, who offers the two a chance to join the RAW roster. He sets up a match between the two, with the winner getting a RAW contract. While Slater refuses, Mahal tells the referee to ring the bell and delivers a kick. That's enough to take out Slater, and he gets the win and the RAW contract.
  • Backstage, Tom Phillips interviews Chris Jericho. He gives out about Enzo Amore interrupting him earlier tonight and insulting him. He also gives out about Big Cass coming out after the match and trying to attack him. Jericho says if Cass has Enzo's back, then he's got someone to watch his back. He makes up a name, which a wandering in Kevin Owens points out, but then says he's got his back. Damn, I was really hoping for Ralphus. Jericho calls Tom Tim, Tom corrects him, and Jericho says it's Tim.
  • Seth Rollins vs Sami Zayn-The two kick off the match going back and forth before Rollins leaves the ring. The two fight on the outside until Zayn hits a moonsault off the barricade. Zayn puts him back in the ring, but Rollins rolls out and throws Zayn into the barricade twice. Rollins works over Zayn, cutting off a top rope crossbody attempt by hitting the ropes, causing Zayn to crotch himself on the top rope before the commercial. We come back to Rollins working over Zayn, including hitting a Sling Blade. The commentators make no note of how that is also Finn Balor's move. Zayn almost gets the flash pin on a roll up but takes a Buckle Bomb. Rollins goes for a superkick, but Zayn counters with a big clothesline. Zayn gets a near fall of the Michinoku Driver, and after getting it blocked the first time, hits the Blue Thunder Bomb for another near fall. After a series of reversals, Zayn hits the wristlock springboard DDT, but Rollins rolls out before the Helluva Kick, which still allows Zayn to hit the somersault plancha. Another big series of reversals ends with Rollins dodging the Helluva Kick and finishing Zayn off with the Pedigree for the win. Good match, could've been better, though.
  • For the main event of RAW, it's Paul Heyman & Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar; conquered the streak, conquered the UFC, conquered the WWE. What can't he conquer? I mean, besides a drug test and USADA! Brock should be serving a suspension right now, but "part-timers don't have to follow the Wellness Policy!" Yeah, all the full-time wrestlers, trainers, and even the referees have to follow the policy, but not Brock! Piss off. Heyman says the new era has to step up to Lesnar's level. He tells people to get over the Streak ending and laughs off the idea Orton is "one RKO away" from beating Lesnar. Heyman continues to taunt Orton, when suddenly Randy Orton pops up (out of nowhere, if you would) and RKOs Lesnar. Very shocking, wasn't expecting Orton to show up on RAW since he's a SmackDown superstar. The best part of face Randy Orton is him marking out for himself. Security runs down to get him, and he flees through the crowd. Orton celebrates with the fans as RAW comes to a close.
And that's about it. Overall, a pretty good RAW. Most of the matches were pretty good (none great though), Jax & Strowman were built up strong again, the opening segment was pretty funny, and the ending was great and shocking.  Downsides; the ending of the New Day-Club match, Darren Young vs Titus O'Neil, Rusev vs Mark Henry, and getting my hopes up that Kurt Angle was returning. Also, I'm still curious as to what they are doing with the cruiserweight division. They keep showing clips from the Cruiserweight Classic, but is it just going to be the Cruiserweight Class competitors with the RAW guys? I like some kind of explanation outside of a video package. A downgrade compared to last week, but still a good show. Let's see if SmackDown can top it this week.

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