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Worst in the World: Jake Roberts vs Andre the Giant-WrestleMania V

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I hate having to write about wrestlers I really like in this series. The fact that guys like Sting, Vader, Scott Steiner, and Scott Hall have all been featured here just upsets me. And now I can (unfortunately) add one of my favorite Hogan-era wrestlers to the list: Jake Roberts. Roberts was easily one of the best promos in history, and his feud with Randy Savage (oh look, another one who's been in this series!) is one of my personal favorites. Sadly, when you get put in the ring with Andre the Giant, you're bound to have a bad match, no matter how good you are.
I know Andre is a legend in the business, and one of the most popular wrestlers of all time, but...have you ever actually seen this guy wrestle? I know I said this about Awesome Kong before, but Andre is almost completely immobile. The man spent 90% of his matches leaning on the ropes or in the corner, and could hardly even walk. You know that saying that a wrestler is so good they could have a good match with a broom. Andre the Giant is a broom.
Andre immediately blindsides Roberts to start the match and throws him into an exposed turnbuckle. Why is the turnbuckle exposed at the beginning of the match? No idea. Jesse Ventura can't even explain it (you could say it's a...conspiracy). The referee should have gotten that fixed. Also, the referee for this match is Big John Studd, who won the 1989 Royal Rumble and his reward was being the referee for a midcard WrestleMania match.
Andre gives Roberts some chops, but loses his balance and stumbles after every single one. Roberts punches Andre into the ropes, goes to get Damien (his snake), but Andre follows right after him instead of selling. Andre gets Roberts in the corner and the camera man just keeps his shot on Andre's ass. To quote Don West: "FIRE THAT CAMERAMAN". He starts choking Roberts in the corner, and let me just say that Big John Studd is a terrible referee. He lets guys fight in the ropes, he rarely does the five count, and when he actually does, he gets to three, stops, and yells at them. JUST KEEP COUNTING!
Andre dominated the match, standing on Roberts, choking him, and throwing some punches, all while using the ropes for support the entire time. I don't Andre has gotten more than a foot away from the ropes at any point during this match. Roberts goes wild for a bit, and this leads to the most contrived spot in wrestling history: Andre the Giant getting his hands tied up in the ropes.
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Now, I know that getting caught in the ropes is very dangerous (just ask Mick Foley) and is very tricky to get out of. But Andre does this spot in literally EVERY SINGLE MATCH! He falls back into the ropes, gets his hands tied up between two, and it takes the referee a good minute or two to get him out. It is a spot that, by no means, can happen on accident or naturally. It's very obvious that Andre is intentionally pulling the second rope up to the first to tie himself up. It's a dumb spot that was used way too often.
Roberts starts punching the tied up Andre, while Studd just kind of goes "come on...stop that". Andre gets free and starts choking Roberts with one hand...while leaning on the ropes. Andre goes for the shoulder tackle in the corner on Roberts, and he's so exhausted after only six minutes that he falls over onto the ropes. Ventura and Gorilla Monsoon try to cover it up by saying he caught a short knee, but no, he's just tired. Who let this guy in the ring?
Roberts goes wild again, throws Andre into the turnbuckle (which Andre doesn't come within two feet of). Andre chops Roberts out of the ring, and Andre falls into the ropes again. Seriously, how is this man allowed to wrestle? Remember when Yokozuna couldn't get cleared to wrestle in some states in 1996? Well, how in the hell did Andre get cleared when he can't wrestle for six minutes without looking like he's about to pass out.
Andre argues with Studd, and this allows Roberts to grab Damien. Studd tells him he can't bring Damien into the ring (come to think of it, why is he allowed to even bring a live snake to ringside?), and Andre blindsides Studd. Studd and Andre start arguing, and Roberts tries to sneak in with Damien, but Ted DiBiase shows up out of nowhere and steals Damien. Roberts runs after DiBiase while Studd and Andre start fighting. Andre chokes Studd, but Roberts runs back and throws Damien into the ring. Andre slides out of the ring, and Roberts gets the win by disqualification. Ventura questions why Andre got DQ'd, and Monsoon says it's because DiBiase tried to steal Damien. Or it's because, you know...he choked the referee. That's just me though.

The Verdict

To quote Stone Cold:
"Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooring"
It's another nothing match that was tough to talk about. Andre's just flat out immobile and couldn't get off the ropes for more than two seconds, and nothing of substance actually happened during the match.

Rankings (Best to Worst)

  1. Konnan vs One Man Gang-SuperBrawl VI
  2. Ultimate Warrior vs Hercules-WrestleMania IV
  3. The Chamber of Horrors-Halloween Havoc 1991
  4. Nikita Koloff vs Bobby Eaton-Bunkhouse Stampede
  5. Total Divas vs Other Divas-Survivor Series 2013
  6. The Oddities vs Kaientai-SummerSlam 1998
  7. Hulk Hogan vs Sid Justice-WrestleMania VIII
  8. Hollywood Hogan vs The Giant-Hog Wild
  9. Jake Roberts vs Andre the Giant-WrestleMania V
  10. Al Snow vs Big Boss Man-Unforgiven 1999
  11. Christy Hemme vs Big Fat Oily Guy-Against All Odds 2007
  12. Kevin Sullivan vs Dave Sullivan-SuperBrawl V
  13. Greg Valentine vs George Steele-Heroes of Wrestling
  14. Hollywood Hogan vs The Warrior-Halloween Havoc 1998
  15. The Royal Family vs Clowns R' Us-Survivor Series 1994
  16. The Doomsday Cage Match-Uncensored 1996 
  17. James Storm vs Chris Harris-Lockdown 2007
And up next in the Worst in the World is...
Wait, that match is only like a minute long. That's gonna be like a paragraph. You know what, I'm not putting this on a different post, I'm just gonna do it now.
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So yeah...Wrestling Classic. It was a show held between WrestleMania I and II and featured a sixteen man tournament. This match is a second round match up between Junkyard Dog and Moondog Spot, who beat Iron Sheik and Terry Funk in the first round, respectively . First off, Spot looks like a homeless person. That's about all I can say about him. Spot goes after JYD as soon as he gets in the ring, and misses a second rope splash. JYD hits two crawling headbutts, a regular headbutt, and pins Spot. There is no referee, so he counts it himself. The bell rings...so I guess that's it. The official time (on Wikipedia) was 45 seconds, but it felt like 20. Whatever.

The Verdict

...It happened, I guess.

Rankings (Best to Worst)

  1. Konnan vs One Man Gang-SuperBrawl VI
  2. Ultimate Warrior vs Hercules-WrestleMania IV
  3. The Chamber of Horrors-Halloween Havoc 1991
  4. Nikita Koloff vs Bobby Eaton-Bunkhouse Stampede
  5. Total Divas vs Other Divas-Survivor Series 2013
  6. The Oddities vs Kaientai-SummerSlam 1998
  7. Hulk Hogan vs Sid Justice-WrestleMania VIII
  8. Hollywood Hogan vs The Giant-Hog Wild
  9. Jake Roberts vs Andre the Giant-WrestleMania V
  10. Al Snow vs Big Boss Man-Unforgiven 1999
  11. Christy Hemme vs Big Fat Oily Guy-Against All Odds 2007
  12. Junkyard Dog vs Moondog Spot-Wrestling Classic
  13. Kevin Sullivan vs Dave Sullivan-SuperBrawl V
  14. Greg Valentine vs George Steele-Heroes of Wrestling
  15. Hollywood Hogan vs The Warrior-Halloween Havoc 1998
  16. The Royal Family vs Clowns R' Us-Survivor Series 1994
  17. The Doomsday Cage Match-Uncensored 1996 
  18. James Storm vs Chris Harris-Lockdown 2007
Let's just hope the next one is longer...
 Sting...why?
Thanks for reading.
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