RAW
RAW opens with a video package recapping the feud between Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart and hyping up a face-to-face encounter tonight. We then get promos from each man, with Hart saying he doesn't have to make excuses and he'll use this opportunity to tell Michaels what he thinks of him and what he does. Michaels says nothing of note until he calls himself the WWF's favorite degenerate. I wonder if that'll stick.
Faarooq & Steve Austin with Clarence Mason & PG-13 vs Jesse James & Savio Vega
RAW's opening match this week is a completely random tag match. Steve Austin is fresh off a loss on Superstars in a handicap match to two jobbers (one of which was the future Joey Abs) after the British Bulldog ran in and clotheslined him. Let the record show that Joey Abs has a pinfall victory over Stone Cold Steve Austin. Austin retaliated by Pillmanizing the jobbers backstage. If you want an idea of how things are going for "The Real Double J," he comes out to near silence, singing his song before Austin attacks him from behind. He is saved by Vega, who beats down Austin before rolling him in the ring. They instantly go to the heels getting the heat on Vega, during which Faarooq hits Vega as gently as possible. Vega is able to break away following a spin kick on Austin before making the hot tag to James. More silence for James as he runs wild on both heels until Faarooq dodges and charging James and sends him flying out of the ring. Austin takes the opportunity to take out James' leg with a chop block while Earl Hebner is distracted with Vega. That brings out Bret Hart...for some reason...as another referee decides that James can't continue. Hebner then allows Hart to take his place. F*cking what? How is that not completely against the rules? What are you doing, Earl? The heels continue to beat down Vega until Vega is able to (pretty impressively) lift Faarooq up in an electric chair and drop him down, allowing him to make another hot tag, this time to Bret Hart. Hart runs wild on the heels and goes to lock in the Sharpshooter on Faarooq until Crush runs down and attacks him for a DQ. The Nation of Domination and Austin beat down Hart & Vega until Ahmed Johnson runs down with a 2x4 and chases them off. Johnson takes the mic and challenges Faarooq to fight him right now before leading the crowd in a "YOU'RE GOING DOWN!" chant. The match was fine, but that nonsense with Hart subbing in mid-match made no sense.
Flash Funk vs Hunter Hearst Helmsley
Helmsley cuts a pre-match promo, saying Funk doesn't deserve to be in the same ring as him before saying that after he's done with Goldust at the Royal Rumble, he'll show Marlena what a real man is like. Just like last week, Goldust and Marlena enter through the crowd and take a seat in the crowd, obviously angering Helmsley. This match is pretty good for the most part. After the two go back and forth to start, Helmsley controls the match for the most part until Funk makes his comeback. That prompts Jerry Lawler (who is facing Goldust tonight) to leave the commentary table and blast Goldust for trying to distract Helmsley, threatening to go after Goldust. That distracts the referee long enough for Helmsley to grab his Intercontinental Championship and hit Funk with it, allowing him to pick up the win. Meanwhile, Goldust makes his way to ringside and goes after Lawler, only for Helmsley to try to hit him with the belt. Funk, however, chases him down, throws him back in the ring, beats him down, hits the 450 splash, and gets his heat back.
Jim Ross conducts a face-to-face interview with Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart. Before the actual interview, Ross announces that Hart will take on Vader next week, which prompts Michaels to interject and say he'll be on commentary for that match and promises to not interfere. Ross tries to start the interview with Michaels, but Michaels mockingly passes it to Hart. Hart calls Michaels' attitude disrespectful before blasting him for not apologizing for costing him the WWF Championship at In Your House: It's Time. He says that he got screwed at WrestleMania 12 and says that Michaels didn't carry the title with the same respect that he did. He mocks Michaels for posing in Playgirl, adding in a little gay joke, before saying he degraded the WWF Championship. He says Michaels isn't a "man's man" like he says he is before saying he has no class and is a disgrace. He says the next time they wrestle, he'll kick Michaels ass because he can. Michaels responds by saying that Hart isn't really a role model like he says, only for Sycho Sid to make an unannounced appearance. He says he wants real competition, which cues the gong. Outcomes the Undertaker, who is promptly rushed by Vader. Undertaker fights back and takes care of him pretty easily before he goes face to face with Sycho Sid. Vader hits Taker from behind again, prompting Taker to chase him to the back. Meanwhile, Hart tries to leave the ring, only for Michaels to pull the middle rope up into his crotch before diving onto Sid. Michaels and Sid proceed to brawl in the aisleway. I thought this was great. I know it's mostly just Hart complaining about everything, but he is a Hart, and aside from wrestling, it is what they do best.
Jerry Lawler vs Goldust with Marlena
Hunter Hearst Helmsley has decided to take a seat on commentary for this match. So does the Honky Tonk Man...for some reason. We miss the beginning of the match because they were showing a replay of tonight's opener. Goldust quickly gets in Helmsley's face, which allows Lawler to hit him from behind and take control of the match. As Lawler controls the match, Helmsley decides to leave commentary before walking over and just picking Marlena up and carrying her to the back.
Hunter Hearst Helmsley does some weird sh*t with women on this show. This ATTEMPTED KIDNAPPING is thwarted by Marc Mero, which also causes Goldust to leave the ring to stop his wife from being kidnapped. Helmsley throws Marlena to Mero before throwing Goldust into Mero & Marlena. Helmsley beats down Goldust & Mero as Marlena lays on the ground. As all this happens, the referee sees nothing wrong with any of this and gives Jerry Lawler the countout win. The referees are off their game tonight. Helmsley heads to the back to close the show.
That's it for RAW. Onto Nitro...
But first! A quick recap of Starrcade 1996, which happened the night before this episode of Nitro
- In a title vs title match, the J-Crown Champion Ultimate Dragon defeated Dean Malenko to win the WCW Cruiserweight Championship. Dragon pinned Malenko with a tiger suplex for the win.
- Madusa faced off against Akira Hokuto to crown the first-ever WCW Women's Champion. Remember that? Hokuto won after her manager Sonny Onoo hit Madusa with her own American Flag on a pole. This allowed Hokuto to hit a missile dropkick followed by an Emerald Flowsion for the three and the win. Hokuto would go on to defend the title twice in six months before vacating it.
- Jushin Thunder Liger defeated Rey Mysterio Jr, pinning him after hitting the Liger Bomb.
- Jeff Jarrett and Chris Benoit faced off in a No Disqualifications match. During the match, Arn Anderson makes an appearance and stands in Jarrett's corner. This is quickly overshadowed by Hugh Morrus and Konnan trying to abduct Woman from ringside. What is with all the kidnapping this week? This allows Sullivan to break a chair over Benoit's back, all while Anderson plants Jarrett with a DDT on the outside. Anderson throws Jarrett back in the ring, only for Jarrett to get his hand over Benoit and get the three for the win.
- The Outsiders retained the WCW World Tag Team Championships against the Faces of Fear after Nash hit the Jackknife Powerbomb on the Barbarian.
- Eddie Guerrero and Diamond Dallas Page faced off to crown a new United States Championship. Towards the end of the match, the Outsiders and Syxx came down and shockingly attacked DDP. Hall hit an Outsider's Edge on Page, allowing Guerrero to hit a frog splash for the three and the win. After the match, the Outsiders and Syxx attack Guerrero, stealing the title once again.
- Lex Luger faced the Giant. During the match, the referee was knocked out after the Giant launched Luger off of him with a kick out. As Luger was going for the Torture Rack, Nick Patrick ran down and kicked Luger's leg out. Luger threw Patrick out of the ring and got the Giant in the rack again, only for Syxx to run down and give Luger a spin kick. As Syxx and the Giant helped the Giant up, Sting appeared, shoved Patrick away with his bat before dropping it. He whispers something in both men's ears. Luger low blows the Giant before using the bat to get the three and the win, making it the first time the nWo or one of their members lost a match.
- Hollywood Hulk Hogan and Rowdy Roddy Piper faced off in the main event. Towards the end of the match, the Giant ran down and tried to chokeslam Piper as a fan ran into the ring. Piper was able to fight out and locked in the sleeper hold on Hogan. Hogan passes out. Roddy Piper wins. Roddy Piper is the WCW World Heavyweight Champion!...Right? WRONG! Even though Roddy Piper was the one who made the contract, he apparently forgot to add the stipulation that this is a championship match. So no...Roddy Piper is not the WCW World Heavyweight Champion because...reasons. The Outsiders come down to attack Piper, but he fends them off before exiting the ring. Piper celebrates with his child at the top of the stage as tensions boil over between the Giant and the rest of the nWo. He blasts them for not having his back when he had theirs. Hogan says that the Giant dropped the ball as the Giant leaves. Hogan and the nWo celebrate for the next two minutes to close the show.
Nitro
nWo members: 16
And now that I think about it, I guess Miss Elizabeth is technically a member of the group, albeit an unwilling one.
nWo members: 17
The nWo falsely claim that everyone won at Starrcade last night before the Giant chimes in. He begrudgingly admits to dropping the ball last night before saying that Hulk Hogan promised him a shot at the WCW World Heavyweight Championship if he won World War 3, which he did. Hogan says that his shot will come, and it's okay as long as the belt stays in the nWo. The Giant complains about not being allowed to be the top guy in the group before Ted DiBiase then sends the cameraman away before the opening package.
Amazing French Canadians with Col. Rob Parker vs Public Enemy
Nitro's opening match is a rematch from last week that nobody wanted. The French Canadians rush Public Enemy as they try to get in the ring, which leads to an instant brawl. Public Enemy wins that brawl, backdropping both Canadians before giving Carl Ouelett a double clothesline. At one, Parker tells Ouelett to "remember where he's from" which prompts Ouelett to yell "TORONTO!" The French Canadians try to walk out of the match, but Public Enemy run after them and hit them with their flag poles, which isn't a DQ, apparently. Public Enemy tries to put Jacques Rougeau through their table with their terrible Drive-By move where Rocco Rock runs into Johnny Grunge on the apron and basically sentons him through a table while someone is on it. Rougeau moves out of the way, causing Public Enemy to go through the table (which they would've done anyway, but now it's all for nothing.) The Canadians roll Rock back in the ring and hit the assisted senton bomb for the win. If I never have to watch another Public Enemy-Amazing French Canadians match, I'd be a very happy man.
Jushin Thunder Liger vs Ultimo Dragon
If there's a better pallet cleanser to wash away the stink of that opener, then this is it. Dragon jumps Liger before the bell before kicking him to the ground. These two have a great, fast-paced match that doesn't slow down for one second. The downside, unfortunately, is that the match is pretty brief, with Dragon pinning Liger following a tiger suplex in under five minutes. It's still a really good match, definitely worth a watch.
Konnan with Jimmy Hart vs Big Bubba in a Strap match
OR IS IT! Nope, instead of Big Bubba, Mr. Wallstreet comes down to the ring when the hilariously lame nWo B-Team music hits. To put this in music terms, the nWo's main theme is like Enter Sandman while the B-Team's theme is like Purify. Wallstreet takes the mic and says Bubba couldn't make it tonight, but Bubba told him that he's not afraid of Konnan or his strap. Idiot Konnan turns his back to Wallstreet, leaving him open for an attack from behind. Wallstreet proceeds to strap himself to Konnan, officially starting the match. It's a short, uneventful match where they both touch three corners before Wallstreet clocks Konnan, causing him to fall into the fourth corner for the win. Konnan won by accident, essentially. Poor.
Outcomes Hollywood Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff. They lie through their teeth, acting as if Hogan beat Piper at Starrcade before Hogan says that we'll never see Piper in WCW again. Hogan rips his shirt and poses in the ring before a commercial break. Schiavone says that they will play the tape of Starrcade's main event later in the show.
Hugh Morrus vs Kensuke Sasaki with Sonny Onoo
Oh hey, Kensuke Sasaki's back. Sasaki hasn't been seen on Nitro in over a year and hasn't wrestled for WCW since Starrcade last year. That's the show where Sasaki bizarrely lost the United States Championship when WCW disregarded a restart against the One Man Gang (see RAW vs Nitro #16.) And now he's wrestling Hugh Morrus. Quite a drop. Sasaki actually was at Starrcade last night in the corner of his wife Akira Hokuto. The two start the beginning of the match no selling each other's offense until a double clothesline spot. This decent match is interrupted by Eric Bischoff, who informs Schiavone that he's got the tape of Hogan-Piper and that it will not be shown tonight. Meanwhile, Morrus was set to pick up the win after hitting the No Laughing Matter moonsault on Sasaki, but Sonny Onoo and his Japanese flag cause a DQ. Onoo escapes without harm. This is the last time Sasaki would wrestle in WCW, as he'd go on to win every major championship in Japan, including the IWGP Heavyweight Championship five times. And WCW had this guy wrestle Hugh Morrus halfway through Nitro.
Harlem Heat with Sister Sherri vs Faces of Fear
This is a pretty standard, hard-hitting tag match. Much like every Harlem Heat match, the quality goes up whenever Stevie Ray is not in the ring. Midway through the match, Col. Rob Parker & the Amazing French Canadians come down to ringside. Parker hits Sherri on the ass with a riding, prompting her to tackle him to the ground. Chaos ensues in the ring as Jacques Rougeau appears to throw soot in Stevie Ray's eyes. Stevie Ray looks like he's wearing blackface afterward.
This allows Meng to hit the Mafia Kick and makes the cover, but Booker T hits the Harlem Hangover right after. Stevie Ray rolls over and gets the three for the win. What the hell was this? Just chaos. Is it possible for Harlem Heat to have a match that doesn't end in everybody and their mothers interfering?
Mean Gene Okerlund brings out Diamond Dallas Page for an interview about the nWo's interference last week. He says he's not going to cry over this and says he'll fix this. When Mean Gene asks him what he's going to do about it, he just says "the nWo" and walks away.
Disco Inferno vs Glacier
Before the match, Disco Inferno takes the mic and brags about perfecting a new leg hold, saying that Glacier should just leave and not embarrass himself so he can dance for the people. Glacier responds with a takedown. Unsurprisingly, Glacier dominates the majority of the match as Disco tries and fails to go for Glacier's leg. Eventually, Disco gets Glacier on the mat and tries to lock in his leg hold, but he can't actually figure out how to lock it in. Disco hits the swinging neckbreaker but spends too much time celebrating, allowing Glacier to recover and hit a superkick for the win. I thought this was fun. I know Disco is the butt of the joke a lot and he has some really regressive views that I definitely don't agree with, but I think he's really funny on these shows. I know this wasn't a good match by traditional means, but I still enjoyed this.
Chris Benoit with Woman vs Chris Jericho
Much like Liger vs Dragon earlier in the show, this match is very fast-paced and doesn't slow down one bit. At one point, Chris Jericho hits a low angle missile dropkick to the outside that looks more like a double stomp. It was pretty cool. Unfortunately, just like Liger and Dragon, the match is nowhere near long enough, ending with Benoit hitting a belly-to-back superplex for the three in under four minutes. It's a really good match that definitely needed some more time.
Right after the match, the Four Horsemen (minus Arn Anderson) are interviewed by Mean Gene Okerlund. Debra tries to pretend she hadn't been talking sh*t about Woman for the past month, but Woman shoots her down and tells her & Mongo to keep their mouths shut. The McMichaels, Benoit, and Woman argue until Jeff Jarrett arrives. He asks why Anderson interfered in his match at Starrcade, prompting Woman to ask where he is. Flair says Anderson is celebrating on New Year's Eve...Eve before dancing with Woman. Benoit says that last night, Jarrett can be anything...except a Horsemen. Benoit & Woman leave, prompting Debra to go back to insulting Woman for gaining weight and saying that Mongo would kill Benoit if she hadn't gotten between them. Flair dances with Debra before the Horsemen head to the back.
Mascarita Sagrada & Octagoncito vs Jerito Estrada & Piratita Morgan
It's Nitro's first-ever minis match, or "midget match" as the commentators not named Mike Tenay frequently refer to it as. I don't know if it's just the time I grew up in, but hearing "midget" thrown around so casually is very, very weird. Estrada starts this match off by whiffing on an ambush before taking a full force Bret Hart-sternum bump into the corner. It's another short, fast-paced match that is a lot of fun. The babyfaces dominate the match before Mascarita Sagrada rolls through off a body scissor to get the three and the win.
Dean Malenko vs Rey Mysterio Jr.
No entrances for either man, for some reason. Unlike the other cruiserweight matches on this show, this one is not a lighting fast-encounter, instead seeing more mat-wrestling, especially from Malenko. That's not to say it's not a good match, because I don't think Dean Malenko & Rey Mysterio Jr could have a bad match together. Malenko controls most of the match early on, but Mysterio is able to fight back and make the match more of a back and forth encounter. At one point, Mysterio hits a springboard wheel kick to send Malenko to the outside, following it up with a huge seated senton off the top rope to the outside. This match thankfully gets the time it deserves. Unfortunately, it ends in disappointment as they go to a time limit draw. Boo. Still a good match, but the indecisive finish was a bummer.
Lex Luger vs Greg Valentine
Who keeps putting Greg Valentine on shows in 1996? This isn't like Bobby Eaton or the Rock 'n' Roll Express where they can still kind of go. Valentine is f*cking terrible at this point. Even worse, Valentine dominates this match. Why? What benefit does having Valentine out wrestle Luger do for anyone? They're not going to push Valentine, obviously, and Luger struggling against a guy who is way past his prime. Luger still wins after countering an apron suplex and locking in the Torture Rack, but the fact that he couldn't crush this guy is not a good look.
Outcomes Roddy Piper. He says Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff must've been on Mars because, on Earth, he put Hogan to sleep. He says he's the icon and says that Starrcade was his last match. See you at SuperBrawl. Piper is interrupted by Hogan & Bischoff and Hogan tells Piper to admit that he lost last night. Piper refuses and the two argue before Hogan mentions Piper's son. Piper challenges Hogan to a fight, only for the rest of the nWo to run down. Except for the Giant, who walks down. Scott Norton also makes an appearance, finally bothering to show up after joining the nWo two weeks ago. The nWo beats down Piper before Hogan smashes Piper in the hip with a chair. Trash fills the ring as everyone calls for the Giant to chokeslam Piper. The Giant grabs Piper by the throat...only for him to drop him. The nWo huddles together as medics attend to Piper. Hogan gets in the Giant face before slapping him.
This prompts the Giant to grab him by the throat and yelling at everyone to get out of the ring. The Giant demands his title shot as Hogan apologizes and gives him his shot. A battered Hogan is helped out of the ring before he sicks the rest of the group on the Giant. Marcus Bagwell jumps onto his back, but the Giant throws him off before Vincent and nWo Sting get a chokeslam each. The nWo is able to subdue him and beat him down before Hogan clocks him with the belt. Scott Norton rips the Giant's nWo t-shirt off before Hogan hits him with the belt again. Hogan slaps an unconscious Giant as we see an ambulance take Roddy Piper away to close the show
And that's it. Both of these shows were pretty decent, but I think I'm going to have to give it to RAW this week. Nitro had better matches overall, but they also had some dreadfully bad ones. RAW didn't have a match like Liger and Dragon or Benoit and Jericho, but it was more consistently good with nowhere near as much bad. Point to RAW.
RAW: 25
Nitro: 38
Thanks for reading! Be sure to share if you enjoyed and come back next week for the next edition of RAW vs Nitro.
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