RAW
Hunter Hearst Helmsley (c) vs Marc Mero-Intercontinental Championship
Much to my enjoyment, Hunter Hearst Helmsley has dropped his first theme and is now using Beethoven's Symphony No. 9: Ode to Joy for his entrance. You've gotta love the public domain. This match has the added stipulation that if Helmsley gets disqualified or counted out, he'll still lose the title. Before the match starts, Goldust & Marlena make an entrance through the crowd. This distraction allows Mero to rush Helmsley from behind. Mero starts off with a head of steam, punching Helmsley over the top rope and out of the ring before chasing Jerry Lawler away from the commentary table and to the back. That allows Helmsley to recover and floor Mero with a forearm before body slamming him on the outside. Helmsley grabs a chair from the commentary table...and then remembers the stipulation so he drops it. In what ends up being a pretty good match, the two go back and forth until Helmsley dodges a Merosault and wastes no time hitting the Pedigree for the three and the win. It's not the longest or most exciting match, but it's still an enjoyable match worth watching.
Afterward, Mero's a sore loser and tries to attack Helmsley, who hops the barricade as referees escort Mero to the back. The man with three H's takes the opportunity to cut a promo on Goldust, saying he'll show him what it's like to be a real man and Marlena will see what it's like to be with a real man. Goldust starts to make his way down to Helmsley, who high tails it and runs to the back.
We get an update on Billy Gunn. They actually try to play it off that Billy was paralyzed from the waist down after taking the Stun Gun last week. That lasts about three months. And they say John Cena recovers quickly. We also get a replay from Live Wire where Bart Gunn apologizes to Billy and his wife.
Rocky Maivia vs Salvatore Sincere with Jim Cornette
This is a rematch from the Free for All of In Your House: It's Time, where Maivia won by disqualification after Cornette interfered. Why is Jim Cornette managing Salvatore Sincere? That is a good question. Apparently, Maivia has turned down Cornette's offer to manage him, but that doesn't explain why he's hanging around with this other guy. Sunny also makes her way down to the commentary table for this match, saying she wants to manage Maivia while talking about how handsome he is. This match is not very good. That's all I can really say. At one point, Maivia dodges a clothesline before time stands completely still, as Rocky and Sincere just stare at eachother after forgetting what to do next.
Jim Ross then calls Jim Cornette "the Newt Gingrich of the WWF" before throwing shade at WCW, saying a lot of people in Georgia don't have ethics. Sincere controls the majority of the match until the aforementioned pause. Maivia makes his comeback before hitting the float-over DDT followed by the shoulder breaker for the three and the win. Pretty uninteresting match.
Vince McMahon interviews Sycho Sid in the ring, with Shawn Michaels watching backstage. Sid brags about beating Michaels & Bret Hart in the span of 30 days before speaking too quietly so nobody can hear him over his entrance theme, which plays throughout the interview for some reason. Sid calls himself the super predator of the WWF before running through his catchphrase. He makes it clear that he'll always be giant before ending the interview abruptly. Yeah, this was pretty pointless.
Pierroth & Cibernetico vs The New Rockers
Fresh off their random appearance at In Your House: It's Time, AAA's Pierroth & Cibernetico are making their RAW debuts against the New Rockers. Legendary luchador (and the uncle of future WWE Champion Alberto Del Rio) Mil Mascaras, a man who's known for never putting over or even selling for opponents, is sitting in on the Spanish commentary team. Unsurprisingly, the Tampa crowd in 1996 has no idea who these two Mexican wrestlers are, so they enter to pure silence. That silence continues for the most part as these four have a perfectly acceptable match. The finish sees the AAA stars pick up the win after Pierroth hits an ugly top rope splash on Marty Jannetty. The New Rockers argue and shove each other after the match, but no one cares as it goes right to Jim Ross interviewing Mil Mascaras. He speaks in broken English about competing in the upcoming Royal Rumble, a match that he would eliminate himself from because, as I mentioned, Mil Mascaras was not a fan of putting people over.
Speaking of the Royal Rumble, Vince McMahon announces multiple names for the Royal Rumble match.
- Hunter Hearst Helmsley
- Flash Funk
- The British Bulldog
- Ahmed Johnson
- The Undertaker
Bret Hart vs "Razor Ramon"
The Honky Tonk Man makes a surprise appearance to do commentary for this match...for some reason. This match is pretty bad, and that is mostly due to fake Razor Ramon. This guy is f*cking terrible. He has no moves, all he can do is throw punches and knees with an occasional choke spot. That's the sh*t that Nailz and Giant Gonzalez would do, to give you an idea of the quality of wrestler Rick Bognar can be compared to. The fact that he's putting on this stinker of a match with one of the best in-ring performers of all time should give you an even better idea of how bad he is. The match is a lot better when Hart's on the offensive, but that really isn't saying much. After selling for the imposter gimmick for far too long, Hart locks in the Sharpshooter for the submission win. Thankfully, the fake Razor and Diesel sh*t is just about done for.
The show closes with Shawn Michaels in the locker room. He acts like a dick to Vince McMahon before saying he's prepared for anything at the Royal Rumble and that, win or lose, he'll do it like a man.
That's it for RAW. Onto Nitro...
Nitro
Chris Benoit vs Eddie Guerrero-United States Championship Tournament Semi-Finals Matchup
Nitro opens with probably the best pairing that WCW has on their roster at the moment. Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero face-off, with the winner going to Starrcade to face Diamond Dallas Page for the United States Championship. Guerrero starts off the night by badly overshooting his cue, as he's halfway down the ramp by the time Benoit gets to the ring. Notable by her absence is Woman, as Benoit comes down to the ring alone. These two start off hot, slugging it out with stiff shots. As the two continue to go back and forth, Kevin Sullivan cuts a picture-in-picture promo on Benoit. He says Benoit has fallen into the ultimate trap and that he has awoken something that should've been left alone. As they continue to have a great match, Diamond Dallas Page makes his way from the back to the commentary table to scout his next opponent. As always, Benoit and Guerrero have a fantastic, back and forth match that is full of crisp offense and doesn't slow down for a single second. They go 100 miles per hour the whole match and every second of it is amazing. The finish sees Benoit go for a super belly to back suplex, but Guerrero is able to throw him off and hit a frog splash for the three and the win. Go watch this match. It's a must-see from Nitro. I'd argue it's the best match from an in-ring standpoint I've seen in this series.
Right after the match, Mean Gene Okerlund interviews the Four Horsemen, including Benoit, who apparently ran backstage just so he can come back out for this interview. Arn Anderson says that he took the beating Benoit deserved and says it's Woman's fault. Anderson asks where she is, but Debra interjects and talks about beauty pageants. Benoit brings the focus back to Woman by saying she's handling "Horsemen business" before saying that they were in Germany to mend ties with the Horsemen. Benoit tries to talk to Debra, but Mongo interjects, only for Benoit to tell him, completely seriously, to "talk to the hand, cause the man don't understand." What does Woman see in him? Mongo and Benoit go face-to-face before Ric Flair interjects. Flair says Woman deserved a weekend away from Kevin Sullivan before saying the Horsemen are alive and well. Flair does...Flair stuff...to end the interview.
Outcomes the nWo. Hollywood Hulk Hogan decides to change it up tonight and starts with posing hot dogging before his promo. Hogan says Piper is hiding from him and that he's afraid of him before making Miss Elizabeth kiss him on the cheek. He calls himself the greatest wrestler of all time before running down the likes of Piper, Randy Savage, and Ric Flair, saying that they are at the bottom of the pecking order. The music hits again, so Hogan poses and hot dogs some more to close...wait, there's still an hour left?
Lex Luger vs Tombstone
Who is Tombstone? Surprisingly, not a shameless knockoff Undertaker. For those unfamiliar with ECW, there used to be a wrestler named 911. He was known for chokeslamming whoever he felt like, whenever he felt like. Naturally, he got over, but ECW never really capitalized on it. That's mostly because he is a notoriously bad wrestler. And now he's here in WCW as Tombstone. He'd wrestle under multiple names in WCW, including Sledge Hammer and Big Al (not to be confused with the Big Al that Tank Abbott threatened to murder at SuperBrawl 2000.) Needless to say, this match is not good. Tombstone's got more moves than Rick Bognar but he's still incredibly limited and it shows. Luger squashes Tombstone for the most part before locking in the Torture Rack for the submission win. Immediately after, the Giant runs in and attacks Luger. However, Luger quickly turns the tables and actually gets the Giant up for the Torture Rack. The Outsiders quickly run down to make the save, prompting Luger to leave the ring.
Mr. JL vs Rey Mysterio Jr.
Unsurprisingly, a match between Rey Mysterio Jr and Jerry Lynn in a mask is pretty good. There aren't many notable moments outside of the finish, but it's still a fun cruiserweight match full of fast offense. The finish sees JL go to the top rope, only for Mysterio to do a springboard into an electric chair before hitting a super Frankensteiner for the three and the win. After the match, Mysterio walks up to the commentary table. He says that he doesn't believe Sting is in the nWo and says that Sting reacted normally when he jumped on his back last week during the brawl, and the fact that he didn't attack him afterward is proof that he's not in the nWo. He asks for the tape to be played again to prove his point...and they don't do it. They play a hype package for Sting and then that's the end of that. The people who write this show are idiots.
Glacier vs Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker
Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker might be familiar to fans of the Dungeon of Doom...all five of you. Parker is DeWayne Bruce, the head trainer at the WCW Power Plant and also used to be a leprechaun. Sarge tries to rush Glacier before the bell, but Glacier is easily able to take control of the match. Glacier squashes Parker for the most part with a lot of kicks and then some more kicks before winning with a spin kick. A super-choreographed match that went on a lot longer than it needed to, that's all I can really say.
The Amazing French Canadians with Col. Rob Parker vs Public Enemy
Public Enemy tries to attack the French Canadians while they sing the Canadian National Anthem, but Ouellet & Rougeau quickly turn the tables on them. They pick up where they left off, only for Public Enemy to attack them again, this time blinding them by taking their beenies and pulling them over the Canadians' faces.
Public Enemy beat down the Canadians and try to put Jacques Rougeau through a table, but Carl Ouellet stops them. The Canadians beat down Johnny Grunge while Col. Parker beats down on Rocco Rock in plain view of the referee. The Canadians dominate the entire match until they try to go for the assisted senton bomb. They grab Public Enemy's table and put it on the top turnbuckle, but Rock is able to shake it and cause Ouelett to fall, breaking the table in the process. Public Enemy uses the broken table as a weapon and beat down the Canadians for a DQ. Grunge & Rock proceed to hit an assisted senton bomb of their own and celebrate in the ring. This sucked. An absolutely nothing match with a stupid finish that makes Public Enemy look like complete idiots.
Big Bubba vs Konnan with Jimmy Hart
Seeing Big Bubba wrestle here made me realize how rarely people in the nWo actually wrestle on TV. Hell, Bubba's been in the group for a week and he's already wrestled on Nitro more times than Hogan, the Giant, and Buff Bagwell, and he's wrestled the same amount as Syxx. And speaking of the nWo, their favorite referee (and Teddy Long's least favorite) Nick Patrick is back on the job. Konnan attacks Bubba before the bell, which leads to an odd spot where Bubba runs the ropes. Normally, the other wrestler drops down and gets up, but Konnan just kind of...stays down until he gets elbow dropped.
Did he just...forget what he was doing? Bubba takes the opportunity to go after Jimmy Hart, leaving him prone to a suicide dive from Konnan. Konnan beats down Bubba at ringside before opting for a countout win. However, Patrick slow counts Bubba, allowing him to easily beat the count. At one point, Patrick blatantly holds Konnan's arm back, leaving him prone to a punch from Bubba. As Patrick is distracted with Hart, Bubba chokes Konnan with a bandana before throwing him over the top rope. Bubba dominates the match, blatantly cheating while Patrick gives a lot of leeway. At one point, Hart hops up on the ring apron and points at Patrick, who feigns being hit and ejects Hart from ringside. Konnan is able to fight back and throws Bubba over the top rope, which earns him a DQ from Patrick. I know that's supposed to be him helping the nWo...but that is the rule, so he's technically just doing his job. Konnan prepares to hit Patrick, but Bubba makes the save and pulls him out of the ring. Konnan says into the camera that the Dungeon of Doom will get Big Bubba, spitting on the camera in the process. This was an insanely overbooked and pretty boring match.
Lord Steven Regal (c) vs Dean Malenko-Television Championship
Dean Malenko looked to add a second championship to his collection ahead of Starrcade, where he'd face Ultimo Dragon for the J-Crown. That means that Malenko had the potential to walk out of Starrcade with 10 different titles to his name, and that just sounds amazing. Early in the match, Sonny Onoo makes an appearance with his camera, taking pictures until the referee tells him to go away. This match is really good. Unlike the Benoit-Guerrero match, Regal and Malenko use a lot of grappling and mat wrestling, which they are both great at so the match is a clinic on good wrestling. It's not the most exciting match, but it's still a great technical matchup. Unfortunately, the match ends not with a bang, but a whimper. Television Championship matches have a 10-minute time limit, and Malenko manages to hit a brainbuster at about 9:58. Time expires as he makes the cover and Regal retains the title. Great match, but a flat finish.
Rick Steiner with Scott Steiner vs Jeff Jarrett
So here's a match that makes zero sense. Jarrett and Steiner wrestle for a bit, and the only highlight is Rick Steiner running the ropes and laughing like a mad man before hitting an elbow drop. The match is quickly interrupted by the nWo Sting. The commentators wonder if it's the real Sting, even though it is painfully obvious which Sting it is.
Sting tries to give Jarrett a Scorpion Death Drop, but Steiner floors him with a clothesline. Jarrett proceeds to pin him, the referee counts the pin, and the bell rings. What? Steiner & Jarrett beat down Sting to close out this clusterf*ck.
Outcomes Hollywood Hulk Hogan once again. This time, he's alone, saying that Piper had a letter delivered to him saying that Hogan was a bigger star and better than he ever was. All of a sudden, Piper's music hits. Bobby Heenan spoils the segment by saying that it's the nWo messing with everyone. Come on, man.
Outcomes Eric Bischoff in a kilt and in plaid clothing with an old Hulk Hogan t-shirt. He imitates Piper, saying that he knows he can't beat Hogan and demands a referee to "get it over with." Unsurprisingly, the referee is Nick Patrick. Bischoff lays down, Hogan pins him, and Patrick counts the pin. Hogan berates Piper as Bischoff bows down to him. All of a sudden, a marching band of bagpipe players come out from the back before the real Piper comes down to the ring. Piper and Hogan fight before the nWo runs down to beat down Piper, all as Sting watches from the rafters. Security runs down to separate the nWo from Piper to close the show.
And that's it. I think I'm going to have to give this one to Nitro. Even though a lot of Nitro was bad, there was still a great Benoit-Guerrero match and a close-to-great Malenko-Regal match that pushes it up a bit in my eyes. Outside of Mysterio-JL, the rest of the matches weren't very good and that Steiner-Jarrett match was just confusing. However, RAW was worse. Mero-Helmsley was a pretty good match, but after that, the show was nothing, with the Bret Hart-Fake Razor match really knocking it down a peg or two. Point to Nitro.
RAW: 24
Nitro: 38
Thanks for reading! Be sure to share if you enjoyed and come back next week for the next edition of RAW vs Nitro.
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