Part 1: New York
We kick off the show at the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum in Uniondale, New York. Vince McMahon welcomes us to WrestleMania II before introducing us to his fellow commentator for the night, Susan Saint James. As you probably know, Saint James' commentary has become infamous over the years, mainly due to the fact that she seems to have zero idea what wrestling is. Her go-to phrase is "Uh Oh!," which she drops constantly throughout the New York portion of the show as her contribution to the commentary. If it weren't for weight-enthusiast Art Donovan, she might be the worst guest commentator in wrestling history. McMahon then throws to Ray Charles to perform America the Beautiful.
We then go to an interview with Roddy Piper, where Piper says that if Mr. T can knock him out tonight, he'll retire from wrestling. He adds that Mr. T is smart aleck and he'll be coming out in a kilt, but he will never shave his hair like an Indian and paint himself black. Just wait till WrestleMania VI, buddy.
The Magnificent Muraco vs Paul Orndorff-Our opening contest for the New York portion pits The Magnificent Don Muraco against, as Muraco puts it, "the embarrassment of WrestleMania" Paul Orndorff. The match starts off rather quick-paced, only to instantly be killed by an ENDLESS ARMBAR by Orndorff. And then, even worse, we get a double countout. Because a long armbar & a f*ck finish is how you get a crowd pumped.
Rating: 0.5 Stars
Randy Savage (c) vs George Steele-WWF Intercontinental Championship-So...a lot has happened since the first WrestleMania. There's a new Intercontinental Champion...the Macho Man Randy Savage. He won it at a house show from Tito Santana, who won it from Greg Valentine at a house show after WrestleMania. Santana was actually the Intercontinental Champion at the Wrestling Classic, but that didn't really play into anything. Savage defends the title against George The Animal Steele, who has fallen in love with Miss Elizabeth. The beginning of this match is Savage running around and trying to avoid Steele. At one point, Steele catches Savage and bites his boot-covered ankle.
Savage sells this because sure, that's how that works. Susan Saint James proudly cheers this on, telling Steele to eat Savage's leg. At one point, Savage gets tossed out of the ring, so he crawls under the ring and pops up out the other side. That's smart. The entire match is basically Steele biting Savage constantly with lots of nonsense in between like Steele eating a turnbuckle or both men beating eachother up with flowers.
I thought Steele's bad wrestling at Heroes of Wrestling was mostly due to age, but no, he's sh*t here too. He's just a bad wrestler. The finish comes when Savage hits the elbow drop...but Steele kicks out! F*ck, he's the first person to ever do that. However, Savage ends up taking Steele's legs out from under him in the corner and pins him with his feet on the ropes to get three and the win in 5:10. Somebody get Tito Santana down there to argue the decision. After the match. Steele eats another turnbuckle and chases the referee away. I didn't think Randy Savage could have a bad match. This was a bad match. Steele is pretty much useless in the ring and the majority
Rating: 1 Star
Jake Roberts vs George Wells-It's the pay-per-view debut of Jake the Snake Roberts. He debuts in a rather quick win over George Wells. Wells mounts a good amount of offense to start the match, but Roberts manages to cut that off before hitting the DDT for the three and the win in 3:15. After the match, Roberts wraps a python around Wells, causing Wells to cough up white foam.
It's a rather uneventful, quick match. There's a nice headscissor takedown by Wells at one point, but that's about it.
Rating: 1.75 Stars
Before the next match, we've got some celebrity guests, introduced by Joan Rivers. First, we get our judges; "famous for slamming & jamming the basketball" Darryl Dawkins, Cab Calloway, and one of Joan Rivers' "favorite Watergate judges" G. Gordon Liddy. Only the most A-list stars at WrestleMania. But wait, there's more! Our guest timekeeper is Herb from Burger King. Again, only the most A-list stars at WrestleMania. Rivers then announces it's time for 10 round of boxing...God help us.
Raging Bullsh*t
Roddy Piper vs Mr. T in a Boxing match-It doesn't get much worse than this. One of only five matches to ever get minus five stars from Dave Meltzer, this is another match I reviewed for the Worst in the World. Piper's got boxing manager Lou Duva and Cowboy Bob Orton in his corner while Mr. T has Smokin Joe Frazier (the boxer, not Matt Hardy's kangaroo) and the Haiti Kid, who got his head shaved by Piper before this match. What follows is over 13 minutes of worked-boxing. Round 1 sees the two go back and forth with punches and hugs, with Piper getting a few cheap shots after breaks. Round 2 starts off with the ref instantly interfering to wipe a bunch of grease off of Piper's forehead. Duva quickly hops up on the apron and puts more on Piper's forehead. Somehow, the referee doesn't notice to a huge blob of it on Piper's head.
Round 2 sees Piper batter T, knocking him down for the first time and once again at the end of the round. Piper gets a cheap shot after the round and Orton throws a bucket of water onto T.
Round 3 sees Mr. T mounts a comeback, knocking Piper down in the corner twice before knocking Piper out of the ring. Piper gets saved by the bell at the end of third round. During the break, Piper straight up throws a stool at T, probably for a few reasons. A, because he really hates Mr. T and B, because there had to be something entertaining in this match. Round 4 sees Mr. T looking to put Piper away, only for Piper to shove the referee and bodyslam T for a disqualification. 13:14 for a f*ck finish. This leads to a brawl between each man's teams. This was so bad. Not only was it boring, but it was all for nothing. Piper doesn't have to retire and this is Mr. T's last match in the WWF. F*ck this match, avoid it like the plague
Rating: -3 Stars
And this concludes the New York portion of the show...God that was awful. Onto to Part 2
Part 2: The Greater Chicago Area
We go live to the Rosemont Horizon in Rosemont, Illinois. Out commentators for this portion are Gorilla Monsoon, Mean Gene Okerlund and special guest Cathy Lee Crosby. Don't worry, she's not as bad as Saint James.
The Fabulous Moolah (c) vs Velvet McIntyre-WWF Women's Championship-We kick off the Chicago portion by going from the drizzling sh*ts to slightly less sh*t...only slightly, though. Fabulous Moolah defends her Women's Championship against Velvet McIntyre. Moolah got the belt from Wendi Richter in infamous & controversial fashion. Unable to come to terms on a new contract with Richter, Vince McMahon planned a screwjob involving Moolah. Wrestling under a mask as the Spider, Moolah pinned Richter and the referee fast counted Richter, giving the belt to Moolah. After that, Richter left the WWF and didn't return until being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2010. Moolah retains the Women's Championship in a really quick, sloppy match. There is one move that looks good, a bodyslam by McIntyre. McIntyre ends up whiffing on a top rope splash, allowing Moolah to cover her and win in 1:25, despite McIntyre's foot being on the ropes.Well, that sucked.
Rating: 0 Stars
Corporal Kirchner vs Nikolai Volkoff in a Flag match-Here's another lame as sh* t match, Corporal Kirchner taking on Nikolai Volkoff in a Flag match. It's a punch kick affair that lasts two minutes and ends when Kirchner intercepts a cane from Volkoff's manager Classy Freddie Blassie and clocks Volkoff with it for the win. Poor.
Rating: 0 Stars
Before the next match, we've got some more special guests. Our timekeeper for the match, the Where's the Beef lady. I'll say it again, only the most A-list celebrities at WrestleMania. Up next are our referees for the match Dick Butkus & Ed "Too Tall" Jones. And finally, our guest commentator for the match is Ernie Ladd.
20-Man WWF vs NFL Battle Royal-This match pits 14 WWF stars against 6 NFL players. Among the participants are, Pedro Morales, King Tonga (Haku), the Iron Sheik, the Killer Bees, Big John Studd, the Hart Foundation, Bruno Sammartino in his only WrestleMania match, "The Fridge" William Perry, and Andre the Giant. God, it's so weird seeing Bret Hart wrestle in something other than pink & black.
So this goes rather quickly, with the most expendable people getting tossed quickly. Nothing really happens until Big John Studd and William Perry come to blows. Studd gets the better of the exchange before tossing Perry over the top rope. Perry extends a hand for a handshake, but cheatin' ass Willam Perry pulls Studd over the top rope when they shake hands. We're down to the final four; Andre the Giant, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, and the NFL's Russ Francis. Francis is quickly booted from the ring, leaving the Hart Foundation to double team Andre. However, Andre is able to win, tossing Neidhart out of the ring before tossing Hart onto him. It's a battle royal, so it's pretty enjoyable.
Rating: 2.5 Stars
Before the next match, we cut back to New York where Vince McMahon interviews Roddy Piper. He says Mr. T cheated in their fight and since he didn't get knocked out, he doesn't have to retire. He also reiterates that he didn't have to cut his hair like an Indian or paint himself black. Again, just wait until WrestleMania VI, buddy.
The Dream Team (c) vs The British Bulldogs-WWF Tag Team Championships-Oh my god, it's finally a good match. In the main event of the Chicago portion of the show, the Dream Team's Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake with Johnny Valiant in their corner defend the WWF Tag Team Championships against the British Bulldogs Dynamite Kid and Davey Boy Smith with Captain Lou Albano & Ozzy Osbourne. The U.S Express reclaimed the tag titles from the Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff on an episode of Championship Wrestling but dropped the belts 68 days later to the Dream Team at a house show. In short, this match is great. God, Brutus Beefcake must be absolutely useless. He barely gets involved in the match, and when he does he really doesn't do anything. It's pretty obvious that Valentine was the worker of the Dream Team was. Aside from Beefer's lack of involvement, there's a lot of good back and forth action between the Bulldogs and Valentine. Interestingly, there's no point where the Bulldogs get worked over for a long period of time. In fact, the Dream Team (well, Valentine) arguably takes more of the offense than the Bulldogs in this match. The finish of this match comes the Dream Team has control of the match. Valentine hits a shoulder breaker and makes the cover, but pulls Smith's shoulders off the mat. This allows Smith to throw Valentine into Dynamite Kid's head. Valentine goes down as Dynamite Kid takes a brutal bump to the outside. Like...the sound he makes when he hits the ground is sickening. Smith makes the cover and gets the three in 13:03, and for the second year in a row, we've got new Tag Team Champions. After the match, Mean Gene interviews Ozzy Osbourne, who simply yells "BRITISH BULLDOGS FOREVAH!" Davey Boy Smith says that because of their title win, the British Bulldogs are staying in America. All of this while Dynamite Kid is outside the ring in pain.
Rating: 3.75 Stars
And that's it for the Chicago portion. Onto the third & final leg of WrestleMania 2.
Hogan vs Bundy-Steel Cage
Rating: 3.75 Stars
And that's it for the Chicago portion. Onto the third & final leg of WrestleMania 2.
Part 3: Los Angeles
We throw to our commentators for the Los Angeles portion, Jesse the Body Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes, and the special guest Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, live from the Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena in Los Angeles, California. Also of note, the ring announcer is Lee Marshall, who would go on to be the voice Tony the Tiger. That's neat.
Hercules Hernandez vs Ricky Steamboat-Kicking off the LA portion of the show, we've got Hercules Hernandez taking on Ricky the Dragon Steamboat. Man, could you imagine if the show wasn't split into three cities and we didn't have Randy Savage & Ricky Steamboat going up against bad wrestlers? I guess we can only dream. So anyway, Ricky Steamboat is fantastic. Everything he does looks so smooth and so crisp. Even when he's working with Hercules, everything looks so nice. Hercules isn't as bad as George Steele in the ring, but he's still nothing really worth watching. But put him with Steamboat and looks like...not a million bucks, but a pretty significant amount. Maybe like...500,000 bucks. The finish comes when Hercules goes for a big splash off the top rope. Steamboat blocks it with his knees and goes to the top rope for a crossbody. Steamboat connects for the three and the win in 7:27.
Rating: 2.75 Stars
Adrian Adonis vs Uncle Elmer-And we're back to the drizzling sh*ts. So...Adrian Adonis has changed quite a bit since the Wrestling Classic. He's now Adorable Adrian Adonis, a super effeminate wrestler, complete with ridiculous amounts of make-up, pink ring gear, and wearing dresses to the ring. It won "Worst Gimmick" two years in a row from Dave Meltzer. Uncle Elmer falls off a punch he threw once. Adonis bumps like crazy for literally no reason. It's almost Shawn Michaels at SummerSlam 2005-esque. The finish (mercifully) comes when Elmer hits an avalanche in the corner, but Adonis dodges a leg drop and hits "kind of a headbutt" as Lord Alfred Hayes calls it for the three and the win in 3:01. That was brutal. Meltzer gave this minus one star. I'd go beyond that.
Rating: -2 Stars
The Funk Brothers vs Tito Santana & The Junkyard Dog-Our 11th match on the card pits the Funk Brothers, Terry & Hoss (Dory Funk Jr.) Funk against the team of Tito Santana & The Junkyard Dog. This is a pretty standard, enjoyable tag match. Terry Funk is a lot of fun, of course, bumping like a boss and going nuts a couple of times. At one point, JYD bodyslams Funk on a table at ringside. That would only be shocking if it wasn't Terry Funk taking the bump. Even in 86', Terry Funk was hardcore. The finish came when the Funks' manager Jimmy Hart tossed Terry his megaphone. Terry clocked the JYD with the megaphone to get the three and the win in 11:42. Like I said, it's a fairly enjoyable match.
Rating: 2.75 Stars.
We get an interview with Bobby Heenan and King Kong Bundy. Heenan says he'll be packing the WWF Championship in Bundy's luggage tonight and that Bundymania will run wild tonight.
We then get our last celebrity guests. The guest ring announcer for the main event, Los Angeles Dodgers' manager Tommy Lasorda. The guest timekeeper, Ricky Schroder from Silver Spoons. And finally, the referee for this match. Robert Conrad.
And now, it's time for the main event.
Hogan vs Bundy-Steel Cage
Hulk Hogan (c) vs King Kong Bundy in a Steel Cage match-WWF Championship-In the main event, WWF Champion Hulk Hogan defends the title against King Kong Bundy inside a steel cage, with the winner being the first man to escape the cage. This match came about after Bundy attacked Hogan on Saturday Night's Main Event during his match against the Magnificent Muraco. Bundy gave Hogan two avalanches in the corner before splashing him twice, injuring his ribs. Hogan is going against doctor's orders, risking permanent injury for revenge. Bundy starts off targeting Hogan's ribs in between trying to escape the cage. Hogan does a great job at first, diving to stop Bundy. Hogan eventually starts to fight back and ends up busting Bundy open by throwing him against the cage walls. The blade job looked really good. However, Hogan's injury gets the better of him when he tries to bodyslam Bundy, allowing Bundy to take control of the match again. Unfortunately, this when Hulk Hogan goes full on...Hulk Hogan. After taking an avalanche in the corner and a splash, Hogan gets up and proceeds to NO SELL AN AVALANCHE. Hulk Up. Bodyslam. Leg drop. Hogan climbs out of the cage and wins, retaining his title in 10:15. After the match, Hogan chases Bobby Heenan into the cage, tossing him around before giving him an atomic drop. I enjoyed the beginning of the match with Bundy controlling the match and even Hogan's initial comeback, but the ending, with Hogan no selling a finisher and injuries really hurt this match in my eyes. It's enjoyable, but it could've been better.
Rating: 2.5 Stars
And that's about it. Man...this show sucked. I mean, there are a couple of decent matches and one really good match, but there are so many bad matches on this card. Part 1 is an instant skip for me, with nothing worth watching at all and one of the worst "matches" I've ever seen. The first half of part 2 is bad, but quick, while the second half is probably the most enjoyable part of the night. Part 3 might be the strongest part of the show overall aside from the abysmal Adonis-Elmer match, with three solid matches. Overall, this a show I would personally not watch again. The only thing I'd even consider watching again is the tag title match. A casual fan might enjoy the main event, but for me, that's about it.
Thanks for reading this classic WWF pay-per-view review. As always, stay tuned for the next one.
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